Five Idiotically Bold Predictions for Your 2010 – 2011 Miami Heat

It’s an unfathomably interesting time to be a Miami Heat fan, especially considering how comparatively dreadful they've been these past few seasons. It's been a downward spiral since closing out Dallas in 2006.

Until now, these were the team’s three best moments since that victory parade a few years back:

3) Wade’s double-overtime, three-point buzzer beater when the Heat hosted the Bulls back in March of 2009.

2) "Winning" the second pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, thanks to a league worst 15-67 record.

1) Using that pick to draft Michael Beasley, an undersized power forward who ended up averaging 14.9 points and 5.9 rebounds per game over the course of his two seasons with the Miami Heat.

All but one of them occurred in the off-season and even the lone exception was merely a regular season victory that was ultimately insignificant. It’s been a really long time since the Heat accomplished anything important on the court. (Wade’s spectacular strip, steal, and game-winning running three were phenomenal, though, watch it again and pay close attention to Brad Miller’s precious reaction shot.)

The franchise was hurting in a pretty bad way as recently as only a month ago; thankfully, Heat fans, God has a condo in South Beach.

Unless you’re living under a coconut on a deserted island, you already know that the roster has undergone some unprecedented changes. And if you are living under that coconut, I applaud your wireless network provider for getting you to my website.

You can skip straight down to my bold predictions but first you probably want to read a recap of the Heat's more noteworthy transactions these past few months.

KEY LOSSES:

Michael Beasley is traded to Timberwolves. Look, I liked Beasley. I liked him a lot. And I hated how certain South Florida reporters whose names I won't utter bastardized him at every opportunity.

I certainly hope he develops into an All-Star type talent. Even if he does, I'd still trade him in a heartbeat to secure the Heat's current lineup. Yeah, we could have kept him instead of Miller but clearly that wasn't what Wade and Co. wanted. Oh well, I wish you luck in Minnesota. Too bad new GM David Kahn is already rehashing old dirt.

Jermaine O'Neal (and his three-inch vertical leap) sign with Celtics. Take your money and get the hell out, JO. You were terrible for us when it counted. If memory serves me correctly, you shot about 8% from the field in the playoffs and you never even knocked out any Pistons fans. I hope you make Boston worse (and I gleefully suspect you will).

KEY RETENTIONS:

Dwyane Wade re-signs with Heat. This is still the best news of the off-season for Heat fans. Thankfully, we won’t have to endure another season of Tito’s for back-up.

Dwyane Wade re-signs with Heat. It sounded so nice I had to type it twice. We're all so grateful he came back.

Udonis Haslem re-signs with Heat. He is not as talented as Beasley and I never liked how the past few seasons played out. Haslem got too many undeserved minutes in crunch time and I don’t think the numbers show him to be nearly as clutch as most of his supporters would argue (both in the Playoffs and in fourth quarters). I don’t even like the way he rebounds.

Still, I’m glad the Heat the heat resigned him and I will support him. He is not a bad person; in fact, he had other (possibly more lucrative) offers on the table and he chose to stay as a sixth man right here in the city he loves.

He also adds much to the team. Unlike any of the new additions, Haslem has a ring on his finger. He may not wow the new stars with his moves, but he can show them how to stay poised under pressure. And he really will be a pretty good sixth man.

KEY ADDITIONS:

LeBron James added in a sign-and-trade with Cavaliers. Let’s start with the ugly.

“The Decision” was a mockery of sports in general and the NBA in particular; it forever tarnished the reputations of Michael Wilbon and Jim Gray as news reporters and flatly destroyed ESPN’s hopes of being seen as a source of information rather than a product of consumption; it was an affront to the intelligence of fans everywhere and a dagger in the backs of any hopefully naive Ohioans*. It should have never happened and hopefully the agents, publicists, and better angels of tomorrow’s mega-stars will learn from James’ mistake and never, ever repeat it.

Forget all that though. James signed with Miami, WOO-HOO! Who gives a shit how he got here or why he did it? The Heat just became the most exciting NBA team to watch in my lifetime! And they may even win a few championships in the process...

stolen from The Internet

Is one of these old ladies Delonte West's grandmother?

Chris Bosh added in a sign-and trade with Raptors. I’ll be honest, I haven’t watched Bosh play much outside of the Olympics and the occasional Sports Center highlight. I know he’s good, I don’t know if he’s great. If there is any chance he can become great, however, it'll happen on this team. I’m really curious to see how his game play evolves.

Mike Miller is signed from Wizards. He will shoot 400% from three point range this season. I mean it. He is going to be so wide-open from behind the arc that each he jacks up the ball it’s going to go in four times. I don’t even know what that means but it's true.

All these moves are a few weeks old and the rest of the Heat roster is filling out rather quickly. It'll be interesting watching the point guard situation unfold; will James start at the one or will Erik Spoelstra stick with the likes of Mario Chalmers and Carlos Arroyo? Other than that, all the Heat really need are some warm bodies. And plenty of them will play for the veteran minimum if it means one last shot at a title.

CONCLUSIONS:

The Heat are immensely talented on paper, no one will deny that. But they will be under an unheard of amount of pressure from both critics and scorned fans. I think those off-court distractions will dissolve away with the tip-off of the opening game. And that's why opening day just cannot come quickly enough for Heat players and fans.

Now here are this season's idiotically bold predictions:

(Don't say you weren’t warned.)

#1 - If the "core four" stays healthy, the Miami Heat will win this coming NBA Championship and they will do rather easily. Okay, maybe the first one isn't that much of a stretch.

#2 - If healthy, the Heat will also surpass the Chicago Bulls single season record of 72 wins. I'm thinking 75 wins and only seven (very publicized) losses.

#3 - If healthy, the Miami Heat will sweep the entire post-season. Every series, including the NBA Finals. Yes, I realize no team has ever done that. But this Heat team, if healthy and focused, is absolutely that much more talented than every other squad in the league.

#4 - The Heat will stay focused for every game during the regular season. At least for the first year. LeBron has too much riding on this “decision” to let up for a single game. He and Wade won’t allow his teammates to let up either.

The only big “if” here is the health of the key players.

If that prediction isn’t bold enough for you, here’s one more:

#5 - The Heat can withstand any single injury and still win the 2011 NBA Championship. If either James or Wade goes down with a season ending injury (God forbid), the Miami Heat will still win the NBA Championship.

Here’s the thing, a core of Wade, Bosh, and Miller, or James, Bosh, and Miller can still win it all.

The more favorable of those two really unfavorable scenarios is the one with a healthy Wade. He won it all before and he did it with less help. (Shaq circa 2006 and the rest of that unit was less talented than Bosh, Miller, etc.) The league is better than it was in 2006 but, well, so is Wade.

An injury to Wade would be the most devastating though still not necessarily crippling. I’m convinced that James might finally find that extra gear with Bosh and Miller to back him up. He would lead the Heat, as underdogs, through the playoffs and I suspect he would excel.

And what if someone other than James or Wade were to succumb to injury? No sweat. If Bosh, Miller, or one of the Titos goes down, Wade and James would still be the (fairly heavy) favorites with whatever table scraps they have left to work with.

I realize I’m putting out some really frightful ideas into the Universe; all this premature injury talk is like talking about a perfect game in the top of the sixth inning. I'm going to knock on some wood (for the next five hours straight).

Don’t forget to comment, especially if you’re one of those cry-babies from Cleveland (it’s a second-rate Hellmouth).

Until next time, Heat fans...

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NOTES:

*By the way, Cleveland, you fucking deserved "The Decision." Ohio State stole the 2003 Fiesa Bowl from the Miami Hurricanes. They cheated to win and now the whole region will deservedly suffer. Karma is a motherfucker.

Straight Men Are Gayer Than They Think

Today we’re going to talk about porn and sexuality. This will resonate more with heterosexual males but there’s a lesson here for everyone. I have no intentions of offending my sizable gay following—a bear needs cubs, after all—but I don’t understand you people so you’re going to have to do your own math.*

Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. And, like any other successful enterprise not founded by Oprah, it is made for heterosexual males by heterosexual males.

While depraved internet coinsurers can find all types of salacious, subversive, and deviant content with a few clicks of the mouse, the vast majority of porno patrons are paying to watch Jack fuck Jill in the missionary position. Porn may be served in over 9,000 flavors but most men are happy with just a scoop of vanilla.

What types of porn do you watch most often? Answer honestly. I won’t pick on your lackluster imagination. If you’re like 79%** of self-professed heterosexual males, then you are watching some variation of “boy penetrates girl (in her vagina).

Here’s the M. Night Shyamalan style twist: Observing heterosexual intercourse is not necessarily a heterosexual action. I’d argue it’s not even that close. Your only interactions are with the DVD player and the hand lotion. If I watch Paul Bunyan cut down trees all afternoon, I’m not going to call my Mom and tell her I spent the day lumberjacking.

I can hear your feeble objections already, “but, but, I’m… identifying with the male in the video!” Sure. Prove it, homo. Maybe you’re relating more to the washed up starlet tickling his pickle and you don’t even know it. In either case, you’re merely a voyeur and not a participant.

Again, watching a heterosexual act does not necessarily equate to engaging in one. Consider that masturbation while fantasizing about women is heterosexual but if another man were to watch a video of you masturbating that would be, in fact, pretty damned gay.

Look, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not calling you gay; I’m just saying that you could be straighter.



Given enough time and data, one could chart all forms of sexual expression from “absolute queer” to “ultra hetero.” And while fucking a woman is straight, masturbating to the video image of a man fucking a woman is closer to the middle of the spectrum (see graph s01). A precise charting requires complex mathematics, but a fairly simple algebraic equation*** can give us a pretty good estimation of any sexual encounter. We'll refer to resultant as the Hetero Quotient. Where d equals the number of dudes, c equals the number of chicks, and p is the total number of people involved…



Let’s apply that to some real world situations:

1) If Mikey roofies Sally at a bar, takes her home to his Grandma’s bathroom, violates each of her precious orifices, and chokes the life out of her before cutting her into tiny pieces, what is his Hetero Quotient?

For simplicity’s sake, let’s assume that Grandma was out playing bingo so we will assume that Sally is the only chick and Mikey is the only dude (giving us two total participants).

((1/1)+ 1)/2 = 2/2 = 1, or 100 percent.

One-hundred percent straight; way to go Mikey!

A second example:

2) Bob masturbates to Barely Breathing 3, a fine geriatric themed production starring Groucho Dix and Sugar Succulence. How straight is Bob?

There are two dudes, Groucho and Bob, and Sugar is the only chick. There are a total of three participants.

((1/2)+1)/3 = 1.5/3 = 0.5, or 50 percent.

Uh oh, Bob’s actions are only 50% straight.

Let’s try a longer problem (and pay close attention to the details):

3) Shane goes to Tijuana and pays five pesos to watch Victor Victoria bang Maria De Los Burros in a dirty old barn. Victor Victoria is a transvestite. He dresses like a woman, and he has pretty perky boobies too, but he packs heat down south. Shane is turned on but he’s also confused. Exactly how gay is this situation?

The tricky part in this example is whether to count Victor Victoria as a dude or as a chick? Well he/she/it is somewhere in between, I suppose. Not altogether womanly but not exactly a typical man. You can decide on your own value here, but for the sake of simple we’ll pretend Victor is half of each gender. That means we have 1.5 chicks and 1.5 dudes in Shane’s scenario. Let’s figure out his Hetero Quotient.

((1/1.5)+1.5/3 = 2.1667/3 = 0.7222, or 72 percent.

Shane’s actions are actually straighter than Bob’s.

Now we’re approaching the point of the lesson. Pornography comes in many shapes and sizes and one shouldn’t be afraid to experiment because the stuff you’re already looking at is probably gayer than you think.

The numbers don’t lie, folks; keep them in mind the next time you’re scouring the internet to make a deposit into the spank bank. Watching a she-male bone a(nother?) chick can be considerably less queer than that standard male/female fare already beginning to bore you. If you call yourself a straight man maybe it’s time to start acting like one.

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Notes:

*I offer no apologies or disclaimers to the fairer sex—and what would be the point? They won’t read this unless it’s reprinted in US Weekly.

**All statistics are based on a private sampling of the different personalities trapped in my head.

***The “simple equation” is surprisingly accurate but not always sufficient. Anything involving plants, for example, would yield confusing returns.

Lightning Round

Let's get through this as quick as we can, mmmkay?

- I moved to Los Angeles last October (that deserves it's own entry at some point); updates have been non-existent since then and I know you've missed me. Now I'm back to blogging, so you can dry those crying eyes.

- The Nougat is undergoing a large redesign. I'm moving to a more serious hosting solution soon. Feedback, as always, is appreciated.

- There's a ton of South Florida sports news to catch up on. Josh Johnson is having an incredible season! (And, oh yeah, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Brandon Marshall have all relocated to South Beach.)

- I'm now contributing at RUCKUS magazine. Get over to their site and check out my review of the new Ozzy Osbourne album.

- There are, as always, lots of films to discuss. I went to a screening of Life During Wartime / Q&A with Todd Solondz last night, I'll expand upon that later.

- My "real life" has taken a turn for the interesting. I'm in the longest relationship of my life (and happy about it) and I work at a bar with a mechanical bull.

- Don't forget to follow me on Twitter (@mmmtravis).

- More as I think of it!

A Boy and His Dog is exceedingly mediocre, but that’s hardly the point

(Allow me to start with a digression.)

A Boy and His Dog (L.Q. Jones, 1975) was described to me, first and foremost, as a cult film. What exactly does that term mean?

In lieu of research, I’ll refer to Wikipedia’s entry (as of July 14, 2010): Cult films have “a highly devoted but specific group of fans” but “fail to achieve fame outside a small fan base.” Meh. Other equally unsatisfying explanations exist here and here.

It may be more helpful to consider what a cult film is not. A cult film is not good. Not really. Not immediately, anyway. At least so far as traditional metrics are concerned (box office receipts, critical appraisal, etc.) Otherwise it would simply be another successful film.

Cult films are disliked or disregarded by most audiences but venerated by a passionate minority, by a few fringe dwellers eager to embrace those bizarre bits of celluloid residing upon the periphery of human experience.

stolen from The Internet

I wish I were reviewing the 1989 NES game A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia instead.

I wasn’t alive in 1975, but I can’t imagine any widespread celebration of A Boy and His Dog’s cinematic achievements. Yet, it does possess an endearing weirdness. By Wikipedia’s standards, at least, it should enjoy cult legitimacy.
Is that any sort of compliment, though? Is A Boy and His Dog a great film? Is it even a good one? Do I recommend watching it?

The answers to these questions are unimportant because, face it, you only rented the movie so you could cross it off your list of unseen cult classics (but, if you must have them, my responses are “I don’t know,” “No,” “I guess,” and “Absolutely!”).

And I’m not here to pass judgment. I only rented the flick because (1) it stars Don Johnson and (2) the poster features a giant mushroom cloud and the tagline “a rather kinky tale of survival.” Yet, by Netflix’s estimation (Netflix absolutely sucks now, by the way), A Boy and His Dog has been collecting dust on my desk for well over six months. The apocalypse, The Don, and boobs—why shelve this DVD for so long?

(End digression.)

You might preemptively deduce what A Boy and His Dog is about. Vic (Don Johnson) is our titular boy and Blood is his faithful mutt companion—but, be warned, this isn’t a precursor to Free Willy. The story is set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland of 2024, sometime after a very nuclear World War IV which has destroyed most of humanity.

Blood is a genetically enhanced super-pooch, partial to popcorn and quoting Henry V. He uses telepathy to communicate with Vic, to teach him much about politics and little about ethics. Blood also tracks other survivors. This nicely compliments Vic’s only clear hobbies: marauding and rape.

A Boy and His Dog is essentially a two act film with a punch line tacked on for an epilogue.

The first act is the companion piece I anticipated peppered with the occasional subversive twist. Vic and Blood march from one desert alcove to the next. Blood provides Vic with wisdom and intel, Vic helps Blood find dinner– they are quite possibly the world’s last and strangest symbiotic pairing.

Sweet, the feature film adaptation of Fallout 3 starring Benji and a young Nash Bridges!

Eventually the duo stumbles upon a naked woman—and why shouldn’t they? The poster promised kink, after all. Vic’s attempts to rape the beautifully inexpressive Quilla (Susanne Benton) are delayed as the two hide from a nearby pack of mutants and then later foiled completely when she consents to give him what he was so set on forcefully taking.

The film switches gears as Vic abandons his dog in order to travel down Quilla’s mysterious rabbit hole (as it were)and into the town of Topeka, a sort of radioactive antithesis to Grover’s Corners.

Naturally, Quilla has her own angle. Topeka’s “city council” apprehends Vic upon arrival. (Rage!) And forces him to impregnate the settlement’s fertile young bachelorettes. (Everything went better than expected.) But the insemination will be an artificial one, and the ejaculate will be extracted through a catheter. (Rage, again!) I enjoyed this second act much less.

It's like Our Town without the Milk Man.

The film climaxes with Quilla and Vic escaping Topeka and returning to the surface. These sequences aren’t particularly thrilling and likely they weren’t meant to be.
By the film’s end, Vic is no longer a boy but a man. And in the final scenes Vic chooses between man’s best friend and his yearning for a different sort of companionship… but I’m getting ahead of myself, and certainly ahead of you. The finale is truly clever and I won’t spoil it for you.

While the wooden acting and shoddy production values cannot be overlooked, A Boy and His Dog combines a peculiar premise with some witty wordplay and the resultant is far from terrible. Not too far from terrible, though—this is a cult film you know.

*Donnie Wayne “Don” Johnson kicks an undeniably awesome amount of ass. From his portrayal of the Marlboro Man to a convincingly dickish pro golfer (in the most underrated golf movie of all time), he rarely disappoints. His raison d'être, of course, is Detective James "Sonny" Crockett from Miami Vice. If you didn’t already know this, turn off your computer and go join the fucking world already.