I H-A-T-E the J-E-T-S

Stubbing my toe sucks. It really fucking hurts. I have big feet and I’m clumsy, so I’m prone to a weekly toe stub and I hate it.

Not as much as I hate “Meter Maids,” though. I hope any asshole who signs up for that job gets diagnosed with multiple malignant tumors on Christmas Eve. Every time I get an unjust parking ticket my blood pressure raises by about 30 points and then I get sad because I know I’m too lazy and disorganized to ever protest them in court. You won this time, parking enforcement officer. And you’ll win next time too.

But I’d rather get a parking ticket every day in February than have to ever watch the New England Patriots win another Super Bowl. They’ve dominated the AFC East for a decade now and I can’t fracking stand it. On Saturdays, before I go to bed, I pray that Tom Brady will tear his Achilles on tomorrow’s opening drive. Wes Welker is a traitorous bastard, and I root for him to develop an addiction to pain killers. I refuse to call their obnoxious, hoodie-wearing curmudgeon of a coach anything other than Bill Bellicheat. When Teddy Bruschi almost died a few years ago, I naturally assumed that the team had bartered with Satan, their souls for a few rings, and I thought finally the bill had come in the mail.

Yeah, I hate the Patriots.

But I don’t root for them to lose every football game. Twice each year I disregard every ounce of common sense in my noggin and root for the Patriots to win. To humiliate, even.

You see, while I utterly loathe the Patriots and their smug, bandwagoning fans, the vitriol I reserve for them pales in comparison to that reserved for the New York Jets.

J-E-T-S, Jets. The most hated noun in my entire vocabulary.

The worst team in any sport, by far. The most obnoxiously obtuse fans ever conceived in dirty test tubes.

I don’t just root for them to lose every weekend, I root for ground beneath the stadium to crack and for the Earth to swallow them whole.

But not before that fat slob Rex Ryan chokes on one of his semen filled Twinkies on the sidelines. Not before the Department of Homeland Security sends Mark Sanchez back to South America for throwing six interceptions in a half. And certainly not before the 110th Airborne carpet bombs the ever-loving shit of of “Revis Island.”

Only after all that am I truly comfortable with their team bus to drive off a cliff and crash and burn in the depths of that special Hell for child rapists and people who listen to loud music on the bus.

You’ve never hated anything in your life as much as I hate the New York Jets.

If God made an appearance in my bedroom and said, “Hey brah, you have two options for next season. The Dolphins can go 14-2 next season and get swept by the Jets, or they can go 2-14 next season with their only wins coming against the Jets,” well, I’d pick door number two every time. Seriously.

Sweeping them last year felt unbelievably good. Like getting fellated by a unicorn on a bed made of cotton candy. I barely cared that, through the luckiest series of scheduling breaks ever, they went to the AFC Championship game and the Dolphins didn’t even make the playoffs. I’m not kidding. Beating the Jets in 2008 – the final game of the season, to advance to the playoffs, and to potentially end Zombie Favre’s career – was absolutely epic. Glorious, in fact.

So I’m sorry, you’re not going to get too many well considered “keys to victory” this week. I am too consumed by the fires of my hatred.

I can tell you this, though. I’ll be watching that game Sunday night. And hopefully some sniveling, excuse making, sad sack Jets fans will be around too. I love watching them backtrack after a game; it’ll be interesting to see what kind of excuses they come up with.

Let me leave you with these conclusions for tomorrow evening:

1. Jake Long dominates Jason Taylor the entire game, causing him to reconsider a career in dancing.
2. Chad Henne throws for two first-half touchdowns on Antonio Cromartie and the rest of their overrated secondary.
3. Ronnie Browns run the ball straight up the Jets’ asses, right through the hole that Kris Jenkins used to fill.
4. Rex Ryan eats an entire pepperoni pizza at halftime.
5. Miami continues to dominate in the second half.
6. The announcers reference that fucking Monday Night Football game with the 4th quarter comeback.
7. Vontae Davis grabs two second half interceptions.
8. Miami wins, 32 - 9.
9. The Jets fans blame the injuries and absences and still try and make a case for being the better team.
10. I sleep like a fucking baby.

The Morning After: Dolphins 14, Vikings 10

Holy crap was that a great game -- hard fought from start to finish.

Miami's first play from scrimmage was nice. A 46 yard toss down-field from Chad Henne to Brandon Marshall. A few nice runs later, and the Dolphins faced 1st-and-Goal. Minnesota's D held strong for a few plays but, on 3rd Down, Henne finally punched one right into the hands of Brian Hartline.

That first drive looked so good, I never would have suspected Miami's offense would be shut out for the rest of the game.

So, the Dolphins took an early lead (as I suspected they might) and spent rest of the game daring Brett Favre to do his worst. He literally did.

The Vikings sustained several lengthy drives but Miami's defense kicked into overdrive each time they were pinned back in their own Red Zone.

The Dolphin defense was outstanding really. They forced four turnovers and allowed Minnesota to score only once. And even that touchdown was ¡Qué mala suerte! as it only happened because Ricky Williams fumbled on his own goal-line.

It was a classic "bend but don't break" defensive effort.

In the second quarter, Zombie Favre threw a nice pass to Percy Harvin at the one yard-line. It should have been a completion and probably should have tied the game at seven. But Harvin bobbled it, thank the Gods, and Vontae Davis secured the Dolphin defense's first interception of the season. (There would be more.)

V.D. made a great play but, three feet from their own goal-line, Miami's offense wasn't in the clear. In hostile territory and against a tenacious Viking front line, Ronnie Brown took the hand-off in his own end zone and exploded through a gap in the line of scrimmage. What might have been a safety was instead a 51 yard gain thanks to Brown's quickness and the offensive line's power.

Franchise LT Jake Long manhandled Jared Allen the entire game; the rest of the big fellas on Miami's o-line gave one heck of an effort too.

They really deserve props for beating down one of the best defensive fronts in front of their own crowd. I don't even remember a false start penalty called against them which is surprising considering the hostility of the Metrodome. Henne had plenty of time in the pocket (though he was sacked twice) and the line opened up some big holes for Dolphin rushers early.

It was a bi-polar day for Miami's rushing attack, dominant early on but pathetic in the second half. The first fumble, by Williams, was easily converted into a touchdown by Adrian Peterson. Brown fumbled with only a few minutes left to play and it nearly cost the Dolphins the game. (Lousaka Polite was unstoppable, of course, but what's new?)

When Minnesota recovered that second fumble, I really thought the game was over. As a Dolphin fan, I'm so used to melt downs in the 4th Quarter (see the Indianapolis and New Orleans games in 2010 and the Houston and first NYJ game in 2009), It seemed a foregone conclusion that our Defense would buckle after that momentum killing turnover.

Boy was it good to be wrong! I was instead treated to an absolutely delightful goal-line stand. It was 1st-and-Goal from the four yard-line. The Vikings had four chances to score the game winning touchdown from just a few yards out but couldn't seem to convert. Everyone knew Peterson was going to run it in on 4th-and-Goal but the world found out what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable Karlos Dansby, who crushed Peterson at the point of impact and forced a turnover on downs ("number twenty-one" assisted on the tackle). Yeah, Dansby looks to be worth every dollar.

Miami's entire defense looks stellar so far this season. I don't know whether to credit the new schemes of Mike Nolan or the new personnel of Jeff Ireland but this group of guys is playing a different (and better) style of ball than they have in past years. Maybe Coach Sparano is a better, skinnier motivator these days. The defense is physical as Hell -- the front line beat the crap out of the Favre, Peterson, and the Vikings big men -- but they seem quicker too.

The secondary dropped some sure-fire interceptions against Buffalo in Week One but they must have bought some new gloves. Second-year CB Davis is playing at a Pro Bowl level and Jason Allen has magically morphed into an ass-kicking ball-hawk. (Yes, that Jason Allen.)

Sean Smith even looked good in his limited appearances yesterday. That got me thinking (uh-oh), what if Smith didn't regress during training camp? What if Allen has just stepped up his game that much under Mike Nolan's tutelage? It's almost impossible to fathom after what we've seen from him in the past but Allen's performance yesterday cannot be denied. He picked off Hall of Famer Brett Favre three time (one was called back by an unrelated penalty) and was, by a wide margin, the game's most valuable player. After all these years of struggling, it's great to see Allen finding his groove.

The whole defense is refreshing, really. It's such a nice change of pace to count the linebacking corps as an asset for instead of a detriment. Cameron Wake continues his inprobable, but now inevitable, rise to stardom; he was fierce all afternoon, most notably when he stripped Favre in the end zone (Koa Misi recovered for the Dolphins first defensive TD in awhile).

Vikings' stud RB Peterson rushed for 145 yards and made some spectacular plays but he's a top two back in the league and won't ever be shut down entirely. He got his stats but the Dolphin defense stopped him in the crucial situations.

Special teams was solid; Brandon Fields was back to his old form.

I'm less enthusiastic about how Miami's offense performed, but they have faced some pretty stiff competition this season (and it doesn't look to get easier against the Jets this Sunday night).

Certainly the fumbles have to stop. It's a miracle the Vikings didn't capitalize on both of them, but you can bet the next team will.

The play-calling was, again, solid in the first half and lackluster in the second. I know everyone was terrified to run the ball and fumble again late in that fourth quarter, but it was difficult to watch the Dolphins try to unsuccessfully run out the clock out on those last few drives. Zombie Favre looked like shit, thankfully, so we could dodge a few more of those bullets than usual.

Henne was efficient (9/14, 114 yards, TD) and that was enough. It wasn't his fault the coaches never felt the need to take off his leash.

The Dolphins are undefeated and sit alone atop the AFC East but we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. They have a murderer's row of a schedule; their next three opponents (Jets, Patriots, @Packers) all made the playoffs in 2009.

Game Ball: Jason Allen. 7 tackles, 4 assists, and two INTs.
Honorable mention: Adrian Peterson, Jake Long, Vontae Davis.

Game Goat: Brett Favre. 22/36, 325 yards, 3 INTs, 1 fumble lost.
Honorable mention: Ricky Williams, Percy Harvin.

Quote of the Game: “Number twenty-one (Vontae Davis), I felt like, was one of the best corners in this league, especially that no one knows about. Number 32 (Jason Allen) is more physical and kind of a safety-type guy. I thought a back-shoulder throw against him with Bernard (Berrian) would be a right play. But just in general, twenty-one I was less apt to challenge.” ~ Brett "Zombie" Favre

Keys to Victory: Week Two, @ Minnesota

I'm absolutely psyched for Miami at Minnesota!

One reason is that it's actually going to be on TV. We can thank Zombie Favre and his loyal minions for that one. My liver, stomach, and wallet are greatly relieved to watch tomorrow morning's game from my home and not from a nearby sports bar. (To be quite honest, I still haven't found a good watering hole in Koreatown that has NFL Sunday Ticket -- feel free to point a couple out.)

Secondly, I stand to win a few bucks. Two of my co-workers at the bar are from Minnesota, and each of them bet me a crisp Jackson that their Vikings would win. Did I bet the spread? Hell no. Real fans bet on their teams to win, right? Right?

Yeah, I could lose $40 but I'm feeling pretty confident (HUBRIS ALERT), which brings us to what excites me the most...

The Dolphins have a great chance to win. It's not a foregone conclusion by any stretch of the imagination, but I genuinely like their chances.

These are their keys to success:

1) Run the ball. Run it early, run it often, run it well.
The Vikes are ferocious up front. If Chad "Check Down" Henne is going to have any breathing room in the pocket, the Fish really need to establish their running game. They need to alternate between power and speed, in my estimation. They have enough versatility in the backfield to do that. They need to keep the Vikings defense guessing, and only then will it open up the play-action for Henne and the receivers.

Ricky and Ronnie need to combine for about 150 yards tomorrow.

2)Zombie Favre must die!!!
Favre is a pompous dick, but he's a smart pompous dick. Giving him too much time on his feet in the pocket is a recipe for, well, something un-tasty. If the Dolphin D can't get to him, Favre will meticulously pick apart the secondary. He may not have a full stable of receivers but the man knows how to find the seams.

Thus, Favre needs to get knocked on his ass a few times early. I'm talking about all sorts of blitzing plays, of course, but also about continual penetration from our front three. Look for fill-in Tony McDaniel to pick up a sack or two. Likewise, we need the LBs to step up big once again.

3) O.C. Dan Henning can't be a pussy.
I'm confident the Dolphins can build a lead against the Vikings tomorrow, but I'm less than 100% convinced they can hold it for four quarters.

If we're up by 10 at half-time, and we come back from the break playing too conservatively, Favre will come back and beat us. Yes, he's a shell of a man, but he can facilitate point scoring in a hurry. If we get a lead, punt five times in the second half, and end up losing, I'm going to mail a turd sandwich to Henning, I swear to fucking God.

Alright, enough talking out of my ass. Go 'Phins!

The Morning After: Dolphins 15, Bills 10

It's the morning after, and I'm here to give you a sober and fairly objective look at the Miami Dolphins' 2010 debut performance.

This defensive battle brought us laughs, tears, and little bit of heartburn.

(My Mom always taught me to start with the bad news, so let's begin there.)

NO ES BUENO:
1. The Dolphins lack killer instincts. This is nothing new. For as long as I can remember, Miami has never been able to put other teams away. They won't blow out inferior opponents, they will (usually) just squeak by. This may not matter much against Trent Edwards -- who would have trouble scoring with a pocket full of pesos in a Mexican whorehouse -- but this accounts for several loses each year.

Remember the Indianapolis and New Orleans games last season? Remember how the Dolphins could have and should have beat each of those soon-to-be Super Bowl contestants? The problem was the Dolphins didn't know how to put them away. Sure, both of those offenses were phenomenal but Miami should have never let them back into the game.

The Dolphins have been unable to capitalize on momentum and good breaks for as long as I can remember being a fan. For over a decade they've absolutely anti-clutch when playing with the lead. In the dreadful Wannstedt era, the Dolphins would run up the middle on 1st and 2nd Down, run a five yard hitch on 3rd and 8, and punt the ball away. That insufferable style of play cost them victories every season.

These days they mix in some screens passes so it seems less predictably safe on paper but it's really just the same old ultra-conservative approach.

It's a bit clichéd but a team has to play to win. They can't bury their heads in the sand for the entire second half and merely hope to not lose.

Which brings us to my to my next concern....

2. The coaching staff makes worrisome Game Day decisions. I have no problem with the way the team is coached from Monday to Saturday. When they take the field, the players are focused and prepared. The staff does a great job in between games.

The problems come on Sunday. Atrocious clock management, an inability to make necessary package and personnel adjustments when defending against 3rd Downs, and absolutely horrific play-calling by the O.C. Dan Henning.

Can't we add one more assistant to the sidelines whose sole job is give clock management advise in the last few minutes of each half? Every game, Tony Sparano makes a clock gaffe; it's embarrassing.

3. Now in his third year, Chad "Check Down" Henne fails to impress. To be fair, he didn't have a bad game. He was mostly consistent; he didn't commit any turnovers. He did enough to win the game on the road in Week One. That really shouldn't be ignored.

But this is Henne's third season and he still hasn't given me any reason to scream "franchise quarterback!" from the rooftops. And that sucks.

More than that, we really need to figure this all out. Maybe he's our guy, maybe he's just a guy. It's not his fault if he's the latter but we would certainly have to adjust our strategy. If the last ten years have taught this team and its fans anything it's that stopgap quarterbacks will not allow a team to elevate above mediocrity.

The Dolphins need a franchise quarterback and we desperately need to figure out if Henne is that man before the season's end. That means we need to start asking him to do more than manage the game efficiently. We need him to make plays, take chances, test his skills, and succeed (or even falter) under pressure.

Sometimes checking down to a running back in the flat is the smart play. But not usually on third and long, and not this many times each game. Every time he risks nothing we learn nothing about his mettle or his physical abilities.

THINGS I LIKED:
1. It's a Dolphin win. They won their season opener in a hostile stadium against a divisional opponent. Maybe all of those previously mentioned negatives are a one time affair?

2. The defense looks superb. Sure, the cast of Jersey Shore could probably hold Trent Edwards to 150 passing yards, but we can't take anything away from the way Mike Nolan's defense dominated yesterday's game.

Linebacker play was great. How long has it been since we could say that? Miami's biggest free agent acquisition this off-season was Karlos Dansby; with 8 tackles and a sack, he was the opposite of disappointing. Rookie stand-in Koa Misi and second year fan-favorite Cameron Wake has sacks of their own as well. Again, it's too early to know for certain, but maybe our middle four won't be a sore spot this season? A boy can hope.

The secondary looked solid as well. Chris Clemons, for one, had five tackles (and a great time smashing faces). The unit doesn't earn a gold star, though, because they dropped several interception opportunities. That just won't cut it against a more resilient team.

The defense didn't force a single turnover, in fact, but at least...

3. The offense never gave up the ball. I'll take a zero turnover game every time I can get it on the road.

CONCLUSIONS:
Really, there are more questions than answers at this point in the season.

- Brandon Marshall had a solid debut, but will Henne and the O.C. allow him to become an impact player?
- Is Jared Odrick worthy of that first round pick? His name was only mentioned once, as far as I can remember, before his injury.
- What's up with the inconsistent kicking? Dan Carpenter missed a field goal and one kickoff went out of bounds; Brandon Fields had a game saving punt near the end but his early kicks were terrible.
- Will our "new" defense force enough turnovers?
- Can Jason Allen keep up the good work?

But, a win is a win and the Dolphins are exactly where they need to be after Week One. 1-0, tied for the lead in the AFC East, undefeated.

Six Idiotically Bold Predictions for the Upcoming NFL Season

We're only hours away from another exciting NFL season. Can you feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins?

(What's that you say, there was a game last night? Nonsense, the NFL would never schedule a game on a Thursday. Don't be silly. And don't ever start Percy Harvin on your fantasy team. One catch for 12 yards. Geez.)

A new NFL season also means a new litany of idiotically bold predictions. So let's get that nonsense out of the way before we dive into discussing the Week One particulars, shall we?

IBP #1: Tom Brady stays healthy all year and the New England Patriots don't win the AFC East. It'll be a coin toss between the J-E-T-S and the Miami Dolphins, may the fattest coach prevail!

IBP #2: The Minnesota Vikings don't make it to the post-season. And with that, Zombie Favre is finally vanquished once and for all.

IBP #3: The Kansas City Chiefs win the AFC West, thanks to SS Eric Berry (a.k.a. your 2010 Rookie-of-the-Year) who will draw more than a few Ed Reed comparisons.

IBP #4: Tony Romo and the mighty Dallas Cowmen actually find a bit of playoff success before getting destroyed in the NFC title match.

IBP #5: The Houston Texans make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. Okay, that isn't bold. What if I told you the Schaub-Johnson Express takes them all the way to the AFC Championship game before derailing? Is that bold enough for you?

IBP #6: Aaron Rodgers throws four touchdowns passes against the Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XLV. The Packers win and Rodgers is the SB MVP. Chris Johnson doesn't lose sleep, though, because he earns an MVP trophy of his own (e.g. the regular season one).

Greg Camarillo Out, ASUS 1005HA Netbook In

Happy Thursday, kind readers.

What's that you say? The text reads differently today? As if the whole entry were typed out on a micro-keyboard designed for Oompa-Loompa hands? How creepily perceptive of you!

Today’s blog post is brought to you by way of my new ASUS “Netbook"; for $239 Tigerdirect was kind enough to send me this infantile little thing so that I could start blogging from The Coffee Bean like all these other SoCal cats.

This was no easy decision; I deliberated for a good twenty minutes on whether to buy a perfectly average laptop for $549 or this pathetically incompetent one for $239 and use the rest of the money in my checking account for, say, groceries. Oh well, 1 gig of RAM and Windows XP is good, right? Right? ::sadface::

Honestly, though, it feels good to make the responsible choice once in awhile. And three hundred dollars is a lot of money to a broke piece of shit like me.

Performance isn’t even that critical of a factor here. It was smart to go with the light and cheap alternative because I really don’t need to be gaming or rendering porn reels or watching Blu-Rays on this computer. I don’t have that kind of time. Until someone offers me 50k a year to suck at Starcraft 2, my (boring) adult needs for this computer are few:

1) Portability. The ASUS is a tad over two pounds, whereas the Gateway weighs as much as I did when I was born. And when we are talking battery life, weaker is generally better. I imagine this ASUS can last a lot longer unplugged.

2) Network connectivity. Is there any difference these days?

3) Low-end software compatibility. MS Office, Firefox/Flock, Final Draft, and foobar2000 are really the really vital ones. These will all work on a slow XP machine. Adobe Photoshop perhaps won’t run too smoothly, but we’ll see.

4) Intuitive keyboard/mouse. Okay, I’m actually worried about this one. These gigantic hands of mine were built for similarly gigantic keyboards. I suspect I’ll be mashing the wrong keys for awhile and my WPM will suffer until I’m acclimated to the new gear. Computers are only getting smaller, though. It probably isn’t a bad idea to start getting with the (tiny) times.

Once the money flows like the salmon of Capistrano you can be sure I’ll consider upgrading but for now I suspect this baby penis of a computer will suffice.

(In case you were wondering, I used much of the remaining checking account money to pay off an outstanding parking ticket from February that started at $50 and ended up costing me $133. Fuck you L.A. meter maids, I will have my revenge!)

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Three unrelated notes:

First, the incredibly wonderful folks at Shompton, LLC. helped me acquire travisreilly.com the other day. As of now, that and mmmtravis.com still redirect to this Blogspot hosted site but I’m working on some legitimate coding to help me move away from amateur hour.

Go to Shompton for all of your hosting, marketing, and design needs – you will not be disappointed.

Second, Greg Camarillo was traded to the Minnesota Vikings yesterday for veteran CB Benny Sapp. Thanks for the memories, Greg, but I wholeheartedly support this move. The Dolphins were looking a bit exposed in the backfield and some veteran leadership will really help. Camarillo had some amazing hands, but we are pretty flush at WR right now.

Third, I can’t wait to see Super, James Gunn’s newest project. SLiTHER was great and I’m expecting more from this effort.

Everybody Hurts

Miami Dolphins training camp. Day six.

Kory Sheets is the second Dolphin in the past 24 hours and the third player in as many weeks to succumb to a season ending injury. Every team gets banged up, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

Few cared when Phillip Merling destroyed his Achilles tendon – he might as well have been run over by a bus rocking a “karma is a bitch” bumper sticker.

When 4th round acquisition A.J. Edds tore his ACL yesterday, the situation was glummer. Our linebacking corps has been terrible in pass coverage and he was supposed to make it at least a little better.

Today, running back and return specialist Sheets also went down for the count (the Achilles, again). He wasn’t the one player most likely to make or break the Dolphins season but he is a good spirited role player and the injury is shitty news for him and the team.

Every NFL team has its share of injuries during camp but this is a bit ridiculous. We’re six days in and the Dolphins are already three players light on the season. Ugh.

It can’t be as bad as last year, right? Right?

[Send Kory Sheets (@sheets24k) a "Get Well Soon" tweet.]

Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images North America

There's nothing Dolphin safe about Tuna's practice regiment.

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Other great sources of Miami Dolphins information:

- Ethan Skolnick's "Season Ticket" @ Sun-Sentinel
- Armando Salguero's "Miami Dolphins in Depth" @ The Miami Herald
- Bleacher Report
- Fins Nation
- The Miami Dolphins Spotlight

Dolphins at Falcons: Week One preview

Most think this will be a high scoring game, but neither offense is really in sync yet and the scoreboard will reflect that.

The Dolphins defense will have five or six sacks total and two forced fumbles off those sacks (courtesy of Jason Taylor and Channing Crowder). Matt Ryan will throw two interceptions (Sean Smith is good for one of those, count on it).

Dan Carpenter's leg will be the difference maker; he will go 3 for 3, all from 40+.

The Dolphins’ only touchdown will be a three-yard Ricky Williams run set up by good field position after Matt Ryan turns the ball over inside of his own 30 yard line.

Miami 16.
Atlanta 10.

Not much I want to talk about around the rest of the NFL, but here’s my Lock of the Week: Houston Texans (-4.5) over the New York Jets.

Dolphins vs. Bucs game diary (08/27/09)

(This is the Dolphin diary I kept running during last night’s game at Tampa Bay. All the times are in mountain standard, so try and not get confused.)

PREGAME
5:57 p.m. Getting juiced on Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.” Sorry, unnatural supplements are needed to get pumped up for any preseason game featuring Tampa Bay.

6:00 Fox coverage begins. (And let me tell you, it’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.)

6:01 Not sure what silly techno-punk song is playing over these opening highlights, but it’s sure to excite that large niche who loves both football and raves.

6:02 Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are tonight’s hosts. They’re going to be gold, I can feel it.

6:03 Aikman suggests, twice already, the Dolphins were better last year because Chad Pennington (a.k.a CP10) “quit beating himself.” Not going to touch that one.

6:05 Pam Oliver talks to first year head coach Raheem Morris; he’s 32 and used to be the cornerbacks coach. “This is the first year that it’s his first year,” Joe Buck reminds us. Oliver jabs Morris about refusing to name a starting QB.

6:07 Buck: “Um, we’ll just talk about the other stuff later…. We’re out of time.” Yup, time for kickoff.

1st QUARTER
6:08 Byron Leftwich completes the first pass of the game for seven yards. I thought he still played for Marshall.

6:10 Tony Sparano get’s his first camera coverage. He looks like Godzilla after ransacking the Art Deco District of Miami Beach.

Aikman again rambles on about CP10 not beating himself.

6:11 Leftwich looks great so far. And his game is decent too.

6:14 Dolphins pull a Leon Lett. Patrick Cobbs blocks a punt (the kid does everything), Charlie Anderson tries to field it around the line of scrimmage, but he doesn’t even come close to catching it and the Buccaneers recover the ball and a fresh set of downs. Aikman won’t say it, but the Dolphins are beating themselves here.

6:15 Buck describes Leftwich’s incomplete pass over the middle as “too high and too hard for Kellen Winslow.” Bullshit, that boy is a soldier.

6:16 Cadillac Williams gets through to the secondary for a 19 yard run and a Bucs first down. Dolphins defense is asleep.

6:19 First and goal at the five yard line; the Dolphins defense needs a big play.

Kendall Langford strips Leftwich! The Bucs recover, but for a loss of twelve.

6:20 Third and Goal, Leftwich spends an eternity in the pocket looking for a receiver, but Sean Smith successfully defends his man. They have to settle for a field goal.

6:21 3 – 0 Bucs.

6:23 Back from commercials and boy did those Bud Lights look good. Fox treats us to a recap of the Dolphins remarkable 2008 season (sweet!). And finishes with the highlights from the despicable playoff game against Baltimore (boo!).

6:25 After a first down sack, Joe Buck describes CP10 as “wrapped up in the arms of Jimmy Wilkerson.”

6:26 Brian Hartline makes a great 38-yard third down catch, but the refs flag him for offensive interference. You know you want to say it Aikman, the Dolphins are beating themselves.

6:28 Bad news: we’re punting. Good news: more commercials!

6:31 Aikman “Leftwich has never felt this healthy going into a season.” Without hesitation, Buck, “..and on his back and rolling around is Leftwich.”

6:31 “It’s Thursday, and it’s third and nine.” Joe Buck sure is informative.

6:34 Bucs convert two third downs in a row. Leftwich threads needles when it counts and the Dolphins secondary looks powerless to stop him.

6:37 Crowder makes a great open-field tackle, finally forcing the Bucs to attempt another field goal.

Total Yards - Bucs: 115, Dolphins: 13.

2nd QUARTER
6:40 Field goal is good, 6-0 Buccaneers.

6:42 Buck calling the kickoff return, “…and Ginn runs into his own blocker before going out of bounds.” Yeah, that pretty much sums up Ginn’s career so far.

6:47 The Dolphins punt. Again. They have more punt blocks than first downs so far tonight.

6:48 Buck and Aikman are all over the Michael Vick update. Apparently he’s back in the league.

6:51 A good defensive series for the Fins as the Bucs go three and out.

6:52 Devone Bess catches the punt and immediately runs backward. Anyone else miss Chris Williams?

6:57 The Dolphins came to play the Bucs, but it’s the Tampa Bay Lighting giving them trouble at the moment. The refs suspend play because of severe weather; players head to the locker rooms.

Buck on the delay: “We’re going to make this fun. I mean, you’re going to enjoy it, okay?”

7:02 After about five minutes of watching (which yes, is worse than listening) Aikman and Buck talk, my brain tells me it’s about to explode. I empathize.

7:04 I can’t take another second, I’m switching over to Police Women of Broward County, at least I’m still blogging about South Florida. This blonde cop is super hot, by the way.

7:11 Switching back and forth, Oliver interviews Sparano during the delay. “[We] want to try and eliminate mistakes right now,” he says.

7:12 Buck talks about Bill Parcells for a bit and suggests Coach Sparano wasn’t the “sexy” hire. Clearly, Joe has never seen him rocking a speedo on South Beach.

7:13 Aikman: “Bill Parcells casts a big shadow.” Aikman has thrown Buck an alley-oop there, but Buck refuses to slam it down.

7:27 I’m really, really bored. The delay is stretching over a half-an-hour and the highlight, so far, has been Buck’s improvised commentary. I wish I were joking.

7:28 Oliver interviews Leftwich. He’s likeable and sharp, but he’s entering year seven and has done absolutely nothing in this league.

7:38 The players warm up (again) as Buck and Aikman take us to a commercial. Oh look, they’re selling Plan B. I’m suddenly get the feeling this diary should have aborted an hour ago.

7:41 And we’re back to football! CP10 throws incomplete pass to Hartline and the Fins are forced to punt. Man, was that worth the wait or what?

7:46 Jason Taylor knocks Luke McCown on his ass near the goal line, though he gets off a wobbly pass anyway. Sean Smith and Yeremiah Bell blow the coverage, but get off lightly because the receiver was bobbling it out of bounds.

7:47 First challenge flag of the night. Goodie, another delay!

7:50 After another four minutes of no football, the play stands.

7:51 A penalty before the snap. In the past hour and fifteen minutes, there have literally only been four plays.

7:52 Ernest Graham sheds roughly a plethora of tackles on his way to a huge gain. The Dolphins’ defense is somehow getting worse.

7:55 In reference to drafting Matt Ryan, Aikman says: “hindsight is easy to look at.” Thanks, guy.

7:56 Paul Solai records the Dolphins’ first sack of the game.

7:57 Back-to-back sacks, courtesy of a Nathan Jones outside blitz. Finally, 13 hours into the game, the defense has arrived.

8:01 The Dolphins go three-and-out again. Their offense may finish out the half with only 36 total yards.

8:04 At least the Dolphin-D sucks less.

8:08 Good news: the Bucs are punting! Bad news: the Dolphins are forced to receive. Yup, botch the return and fumble it again. Amazingly enough, the Bucs are unable to recover. This is an evenly matched battle of sheer incompetence, folks.

8:13 Finally, the offense steps up as CP10 connects with Hartline for 17 yards and a first down.

8:14 Davone Bess makes an exceptional catch; unfortunately, he makes it out of bounds.

Aikman: “Pennington floated that one a bit.” Yeah, and Joseph Stalin was kind of a dick.

8:15 Ted Ginn Jr. and his family make a nice grab; that’s two first downs in the same drive and I;m genuinely excited. The 2000 Rams we are not.

8:20 CP10 throws it out of the end zone. Dan Carpenter nails a short field goal with four seconds left in the half.

8:22 Buck laments entering the half: “Sorry for all the talk. It’s what we do.” I don’t even have a joke here.

3rd QUARTER
8:35 Ricky Williams is alive. He picks up eleven yards on two running plays.

8:37 CP10 throws a 55-yard bomb to Hartline. They’ve been on the same page all night. First-and-goal from the five!

8:42 CP10 rolls around forever, getting deeper and deeper into the pocket. Finally, throwing across his body, he finds a wide open Anthony Fasano in the corner of the end zone. Touchdown! All right, Miami.
Carpenter puts it through the uprights and the Dolphins lead 10-6.

8:53 Buck thinks McCown looks better than Leftwich. I think Buck is sniffing glue during commercials.

8:54 Buccaneers opening day QBs since 2004: Brad Johnson, Brian Griese, Chris Simms, and Jeff Garcia (twice). Not exactly Murderer’s Row.

8:58 There’s 7:24 left in the third when Chad Henne gets behind center for the Dolphins. His first pass is incomplete.

8:59 Henne is god at this three-and-out thing too!

9:02 Rookie Josh Freeman takes over for the Bucs at QB. His first pass is incomplete with Smith only inches away from intercepting it.

4th QUARTER
9:11 The Dolphins’ MVP so far is Brandon Fields. When the punter is your only game changer, it’s never a good sign.

9:15 Henne may be the Dolphins’ quarterback of the future, but he’s only the lukewarm backup of the present.

9:18 I was wrong, the MVP so far for the Dolphins is the head referee. He gives us another first down and I secretly hope we can sign him to a one-year contract.

9:21 After three more disastrous plays, the refs bail us out again with a fourth down penalty. You guys are so nice!

9:24Last week’s golden boy, Lex Hilliard, fumbles the ball after an awkward pitch from Henne. Bucs recover.

9:28 Backup LB Erik Walden makes a really impressive shoestring sack on 3rd down.

9:35 Greg Camarillo catches a well thrown pass from Henne on the sideline, and somehow manages to stay in bounds as two cornerbacks whiff on the tackle. Camarillo is one of the slower receivers I can recall, but 40 yards of this 55 yard reception is YAC. It’s a late nominee for Dolphin play-of-the-game.

9:41 Henne lays a golden turd, throwing a terrible interception in the red zone. This game is physically painful. It’s like someone rammed a catheter up my soul.

9:48 Aikman: “Hey Joe, do you have any more of that gum?”

Buck: “That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.”

9:50 Total punts so far: 15.

9:51 Vontae Davis gets away with some pass interfering, but there’s no call and the Bucs turn the ball over on downs. Hey, at least it isn’t a punt.

9:57 Mercifully, there’s only a few minutes left in the game. After what feels like 6 more punts from each side, the Bucs decide to let the clock run out.

10:02 Game over. The Dolphins are 3-0 in the preseason (hooray!), and I’ll never get this four hours of my life back (boo!).

Ravens 27, Dolphins 13: Fish Fall Again

Photo by Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images via NFL.com

Quarterback Chad Pennington lost the game but did find a new proctologist.

My masochistic streak normally compels me to watch the Dolphins get pummeled every week, but my schedule was complicated this past Sunday. While Terrell Suggs was showing us his TAINT (touchdown after interception) at Dolphin Stadium, I was watching a bunch of 13 year-old boys pound each other into the boards at a AA hockey tournament. Yes, I was forced to choose between supporting my friend (who coaches youth hockey) and supporting my football team. I chose wisely.

I didn't see the game live and only a jerkoff would feign insight without watching it, so I'll just leave you with two thoughts:

1) Chad Pennington has been unexpectedly great this season, but he is not our quarterback of the future. I can't wait to see Chad Henne play more.
2) Cam Cameron is a douche.

Buffalo comes to town next; I'll post a preview soon.

Texans 29, Dolphins 28: Five reasons for Dol-fans to stay hopeful

You pooped in the fridge? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, that's amazing...

Normally, when the Dolphin's squander a 14-3 lead in the first half, my afternoon is only going to get worse.

Characteristically, when their punt coverage unit misses a dozen tackles on a 70 yard return for a touchdown, I scream enough profanities to make Andrew Dice Clay's dirtiest hooker blush.

Typically, after a 4th and 2 defensive meltdown with 0:03 seconds left in the game, I throw my Coors Light at the television screen (if not the Texans fans sitting next to me).

Usually, yesterday's astonishing loss would have hit me harder than Kimbo Slice with brass knuckles.

The good news: this season has been anything but normal.

In all honesty, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed and a little stunned, but I'm not angry. I'm not even all that discouraged.

How could any lifelong Dol-fan remain so optimistic after such a seemingly devastating loss? I'm glad you asked. I've compiled five good reasons why you should still be happy about where the Dolphins are at too:

5) They lost to the Houston Texans. They always lose to the Texans. You knew, deep down in your heart-of-hearts, that this wasn't going to be an easy game. The Texans came into this game winless, but they aren't a below average team. You want to win every game... but, if you have to take a loss, isn't it better to be defeated by a winless team? Surely you remember how tangible the dread feels, viscous and black, as it slowly floods your mind each week as you impatiently clamor for your team's first win.



Don't forget, the Texans also have four ex-Fins on their team. You know you secretly wish Morlon Greenwood, Sage Rosenfels, Matt Turk, and Jeff Zgonina all find success (okay, okay, maybe not Matt Turk). If you're from South Florida, you might also be a Hurricanes fan, and watching the dynamic Andre Johnson is always exciting.

4) The Dolphins have a bad secondary, a bad receiving corps, and a disastrous special teams unit*. I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, that's not a good thing." You'd be wrong.

Consider the statement's flip side: the Dolphins do not have a bad offensive line, defensive line, running back corps, linebacker corps, or quarterback. Doesn't that make you smile, just a little bit? Last year every one of those units was below average. For a few of them, it was because of injuries; for most of them, it was a lack of quality personnel.

The Three Musketeers (there must be a better nickname for Bill Parcells, Jeff Ireland, and Tony Sparano out there somewhere... really, this needs to be addressed) did a great job in one off-season at the positions where help was needed most desperately. The Dolphin's offensive line and defensive front seven honestly look pretty good. Joey Porter, Matt Roth, and (to my surprise) Channing Crowder are playing like Pro Bowlers.

3) Going into week seven, the Miami Dolphins are completely healthy. Crowder went down yesterday, but he returned almost immediately. As far as I can tell the Dolphins sustained Zero significant injuries this weekend. After six weeks, everyone on the team is healthy. Let me reiterate: everyone on the team is healthy. That's unheard of in the NFL.

At this point last year, the starting SS (Yeremiah Bell), the starting QB (Trent Green), and the starting RB (Ronnie Brown) were all on the injured reserve list and out for the remainder of the season. An uninjured team is probably just a lucky team, but it sure is nice to finally have a few breaks go the Dolphins way.



Speaking of differences between this year and the last...

2) The Dolphins will not finish 1-15 this season. Barring a retroactive forfeit, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. The Dolphins are 2-3 right now, but their schedule gets easier every week.

Four of their next five games are at home (BAL, BUF, @Den, SEA, OAK); all of them are very winnable. Seattle and Oakland are a combined 2-8 and Baltimore's rookie Joe Flacco is likely to get the "Matt Cassel treatment" from the Dolphin's physical defense. Buffalo won't be easy and Denver's Jay Cutler could very well decimate the Dolphin's secondary, but the team be at least 5-5 after week eleven.

This year's team is healthier, more talented, and considerably better coached than it last year's.

1) The Dolphins are a legitimate 2008 Playoff contender. Really. They are.

I guarantee at least one team from the AFC East will earn a Wildcard berth. The AFC is weaker than ever before. The Colts will fade (yes, I saw Peyton this weekend, but it's an aberration, they're done) and the Ravens will falter. The Jaguars will stick around; the Chargers probably will not (and remember, the Dolphins own the tie-breaker there).

I'm not sure how the AFC East will go down, but I do think all four teams will finish at or above .500. This weekend's loss hurt, but it wasn't a backbreaker. The Dolphins need to win their upcoming home game against Buffalo. I know we're looking ahead, but the Dolphins must win their final regular season game against the Jets. To have a real shot at winning the division the Dolphins have to finish at least 4-2 in the AFC East. The Dolphins still get to play the two worst teams in the AFC West and the three worst teams in the NFC West. 10-6 is not even a stretch at this point.

Are you convinced yet? Perhaps not.

Hopefully you're at least feeling more sanguine after yesterday's meltdown. I know I am.

Honorable mentions: (1) My fantasy team (2-4) finally won this weekend. Maurice Jones-Drew showed his firsts signs of life. Both of those unexpected events make me happy. (2) Ronnie Brown is a bona fide beast. He leads the NFL with seven offensive touchdowns.

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*disastrous special teams unit - It's very possible that special teams coach John Bonamego needs to be fired. I don't know much about Bonamego, except that he held the same job with the Saints and that he was mildly successful with Reggie Bush. Tedd Ginn Jr. is no Reggie Bush. Sadly, he's no Davone Bess either.

Both our coverage and our return units are consistently horrible. Something needs to change. Man, I miss Coach Westhoff.

Dolphins vs. Chargers -- Post-game thoughts

Sunday afternoon, the Miami Dolphins (2-2) defeated the visiting San Diego Chargers (2-3), 17-10. Last year, the Dolphins finished with a franchise worst 1-15 record. The Chargers were defeated in the AFC Championship Game. In yesterday's contest, the Dolphins almost doubled the Chargers' total offensive output (390 yards from scrimmage to 202); the Dolphins had zero offensive turnovers and committed only one penalty (for five yards). They finished the game with over a 13 minute advantage in time of possession.

Ronnie Brown carried the ball 24 times for 125 yards and one touchdown (he has seven combined rushing and passing touchdowns a quarter of the way through the season). Over the past two games, Chad Pennington's is completing his passes 79.5% of the time, and his quarterback rating is over 110 (compared to career averages of 65.7% and 89.1, respectively). Since their season opener, the Dolphins' offensive line has allowed three sacks in three games (giving up one coverage sack in yesterday's effort). Linebackers Joey Porter and Matt Roth are on pace for to record 30 combined sacks this season. The Dolphins' defense held all-pro running back LaDainian Tomlinson to 35 rushing yards on 12 carries. They also gave up only one play of over 25 yards, and held quarterback Phillip Rivers to 46.4% in pass completions.

Reread those first two paragraphs... go ahead, I'll wait. Notice I shied away from subjective language. Notice that the story still reads the same: the Dolphins beat the Chargers' ass.



For the second game in a row, the Dolphins destroyed their opponent in every category possible (except special teams*). Norv Turner was outcoached by Tony Sparano, the Chargers' O-line was decimated by the Dolphins' D-line, Chad had all day in the pocket, the Chargers' D-- which had plenty of time to dissect the Wildcat formation-- was unable to defend against it.

Miami's offense can't really be considered explosive, but it's creative, productive, exciting, efficient, and successful. Wow, it's been a long time since you could type that with a straight face.

Will the Dolphins finally emerge victorious after playing the Texans next weekend? I think so. Can the Dolphins contend for a playoff spot this season? Yes, they can. Wow.

Wow.

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* special teams - I do like rookie kicker Dan Carpenter, but, on the whole, I agree with David Hyde's assertion that the Dolphins' special teams aren't exactly "special" in the good way.