I H-A-T-E the J-E-T-S

Stubbing my toe sucks. It really fucking hurts. I have big feet and I’m clumsy, so I’m prone to a weekly toe stub and I hate it.

Not as much as I hate “Meter Maids,” though. I hope any asshole who signs up for that job gets diagnosed with multiple malignant tumors on Christmas Eve. Every time I get an unjust parking ticket my blood pressure raises by about 30 points and then I get sad because I know I’m too lazy and disorganized to ever protest them in court. You won this time, parking enforcement officer. And you’ll win next time too.

But I’d rather get a parking ticket every day in February than have to ever watch the New England Patriots win another Super Bowl. They’ve dominated the AFC East for a decade now and I can’t fracking stand it. On Saturdays, before I go to bed, I pray that Tom Brady will tear his Achilles on tomorrow’s opening drive. Wes Welker is a traitorous bastard, and I root for him to develop an addiction to pain killers. I refuse to call their obnoxious, hoodie-wearing curmudgeon of a coach anything other than Bill Bellicheat. When Teddy Bruschi almost died a few years ago, I naturally assumed that the team had bartered with Satan, their souls for a few rings, and I thought finally the bill had come in the mail.

Yeah, I hate the Patriots.

But I don’t root for them to lose every football game. Twice each year I disregard every ounce of common sense in my noggin and root for the Patriots to win. To humiliate, even.

You see, while I utterly loathe the Patriots and their smug, bandwagoning fans, the vitriol I reserve for them pales in comparison to that reserved for the New York Jets.

J-E-T-S, Jets. The most hated noun in my entire vocabulary.

The worst team in any sport, by far. The most obnoxiously obtuse fans ever conceived in dirty test tubes.

I don’t just root for them to lose every weekend, I root for ground beneath the stadium to crack and for the Earth to swallow them whole.

But not before that fat slob Rex Ryan chokes on one of his semen filled Twinkies on the sidelines. Not before the Department of Homeland Security sends Mark Sanchez back to South America for throwing six interceptions in a half. And certainly not before the 110th Airborne carpet bombs the ever-loving shit of of “Revis Island.”

Only after all that am I truly comfortable with their team bus to drive off a cliff and crash and burn in the depths of that special Hell for child rapists and people who listen to loud music on the bus.

You’ve never hated anything in your life as much as I hate the New York Jets.

If God made an appearance in my bedroom and said, “Hey brah, you have two options for next season. The Dolphins can go 14-2 next season and get swept by the Jets, or they can go 2-14 next season with their only wins coming against the Jets,” well, I’d pick door number two every time. Seriously.

Sweeping them last year felt unbelievably good. Like getting fellated by a unicorn on a bed made of cotton candy. I barely cared that, through the luckiest series of scheduling breaks ever, they went to the AFC Championship game and the Dolphins didn’t even make the playoffs. I’m not kidding. Beating the Jets in 2008 – the final game of the season, to advance to the playoffs, and to potentially end Zombie Favre’s career – was absolutely epic. Glorious, in fact.

So I’m sorry, you’re not going to get too many well considered “keys to victory” this week. I am too consumed by the fires of my hatred.

I can tell you this, though. I’ll be watching that game Sunday night. And hopefully some sniveling, excuse making, sad sack Jets fans will be around too. I love watching them backtrack after a game; it’ll be interesting to see what kind of excuses they come up with.

Let me leave you with these conclusions for tomorrow evening:

1. Jake Long dominates Jason Taylor the entire game, causing him to reconsider a career in dancing.
2. Chad Henne throws for two first-half touchdowns on Antonio Cromartie and the rest of their overrated secondary.
3. Ronnie Browns run the ball straight up the Jets’ asses, right through the hole that Kris Jenkins used to fill.
4. Rex Ryan eats an entire pepperoni pizza at halftime.
5. Miami continues to dominate in the second half.
6. The announcers reference that fucking Monday Night Football game with the 4th quarter comeback.
7. Vontae Davis grabs two second half interceptions.
8. Miami wins, 32 - 9.
9. The Jets fans blame the injuries and absences and still try and make a case for being the better team.
10. I sleep like a fucking baby.

The Morning After: Dolphins 14, Vikings 10

Holy crap was that a great game -- hard fought from start to finish.

Miami's first play from scrimmage was nice. A 46 yard toss down-field from Chad Henne to Brandon Marshall. A few nice runs later, and the Dolphins faced 1st-and-Goal. Minnesota's D held strong for a few plays but, on 3rd Down, Henne finally punched one right into the hands of Brian Hartline.

That first drive looked so good, I never would have suspected Miami's offense would be shut out for the rest of the game.

So, the Dolphins took an early lead (as I suspected they might) and spent rest of the game daring Brett Favre to do his worst. He literally did.

The Vikings sustained several lengthy drives but Miami's defense kicked into overdrive each time they were pinned back in their own Red Zone.

The Dolphin defense was outstanding really. They forced four turnovers and allowed Minnesota to score only once. And even that touchdown was ¡Qué mala suerte! as it only happened because Ricky Williams fumbled on his own goal-line.

It was a classic "bend but don't break" defensive effort.

In the second quarter, Zombie Favre threw a nice pass to Percy Harvin at the one yard-line. It should have been a completion and probably should have tied the game at seven. But Harvin bobbled it, thank the Gods, and Vontae Davis secured the Dolphin defense's first interception of the season. (There would be more.)

V.D. made a great play but, three feet from their own goal-line, Miami's offense wasn't in the clear. In hostile territory and against a tenacious Viking front line, Ronnie Brown took the hand-off in his own end zone and exploded through a gap in the line of scrimmage. What might have been a safety was instead a 51 yard gain thanks to Brown's quickness and the offensive line's power.

Franchise LT Jake Long manhandled Jared Allen the entire game; the rest of the big fellas on Miami's o-line gave one heck of an effort too.

They really deserve props for beating down one of the best defensive fronts in front of their own crowd. I don't even remember a false start penalty called against them which is surprising considering the hostility of the Metrodome. Henne had plenty of time in the pocket (though he was sacked twice) and the line opened up some big holes for Dolphin rushers early.

It was a bi-polar day for Miami's rushing attack, dominant early on but pathetic in the second half. The first fumble, by Williams, was easily converted into a touchdown by Adrian Peterson. Brown fumbled with only a few minutes left to play and it nearly cost the Dolphins the game. (Lousaka Polite was unstoppable, of course, but what's new?)

When Minnesota recovered that second fumble, I really thought the game was over. As a Dolphin fan, I'm so used to melt downs in the 4th Quarter (see the Indianapolis and New Orleans games in 2010 and the Houston and first NYJ game in 2009), It seemed a foregone conclusion that our Defense would buckle after that momentum killing turnover.

Boy was it good to be wrong! I was instead treated to an absolutely delightful goal-line stand. It was 1st-and-Goal from the four yard-line. The Vikings had four chances to score the game winning touchdown from just a few yards out but couldn't seem to convert. Everyone knew Peterson was going to run it in on 4th-and-Goal but the world found out what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable Karlos Dansby, who crushed Peterson at the point of impact and forced a turnover on downs ("number twenty-one" assisted on the tackle). Yeah, Dansby looks to be worth every dollar.

Miami's entire defense looks stellar so far this season. I don't know whether to credit the new schemes of Mike Nolan or the new personnel of Jeff Ireland but this group of guys is playing a different (and better) style of ball than they have in past years. Maybe Coach Sparano is a better, skinnier motivator these days. The defense is physical as Hell -- the front line beat the crap out of the Favre, Peterson, and the Vikings big men -- but they seem quicker too.

The secondary dropped some sure-fire interceptions against Buffalo in Week One but they must have bought some new gloves. Second-year CB Davis is playing at a Pro Bowl level and Jason Allen has magically morphed into an ass-kicking ball-hawk. (Yes, that Jason Allen.)

Sean Smith even looked good in his limited appearances yesterday. That got me thinking (uh-oh), what if Smith didn't regress during training camp? What if Allen has just stepped up his game that much under Mike Nolan's tutelage? It's almost impossible to fathom after what we've seen from him in the past but Allen's performance yesterday cannot be denied. He picked off Hall of Famer Brett Favre three time (one was called back by an unrelated penalty) and was, by a wide margin, the game's most valuable player. After all these years of struggling, it's great to see Allen finding his groove.

The whole defense is refreshing, really. It's such a nice change of pace to count the linebacking corps as an asset for instead of a detriment. Cameron Wake continues his inprobable, but now inevitable, rise to stardom; he was fierce all afternoon, most notably when he stripped Favre in the end zone (Koa Misi recovered for the Dolphins first defensive TD in awhile).

Vikings' stud RB Peterson rushed for 145 yards and made some spectacular plays but he's a top two back in the league and won't ever be shut down entirely. He got his stats but the Dolphin defense stopped him in the crucial situations.

Special teams was solid; Brandon Fields was back to his old form.

I'm less enthusiastic about how Miami's offense performed, but they have faced some pretty stiff competition this season (and it doesn't look to get easier against the Jets this Sunday night).

Certainly the fumbles have to stop. It's a miracle the Vikings didn't capitalize on both of them, but you can bet the next team will.

The play-calling was, again, solid in the first half and lackluster in the second. I know everyone was terrified to run the ball and fumble again late in that fourth quarter, but it was difficult to watch the Dolphins try to unsuccessfully run out the clock out on those last few drives. Zombie Favre looked like shit, thankfully, so we could dodge a few more of those bullets than usual.

Henne was efficient (9/14, 114 yards, TD) and that was enough. It wasn't his fault the coaches never felt the need to take off his leash.

The Dolphins are undefeated and sit alone atop the AFC East but we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. They have a murderer's row of a schedule; their next three opponents (Jets, Patriots, @Packers) all made the playoffs in 2009.

Game Ball: Jason Allen. 7 tackles, 4 assists, and two INTs.
Honorable mention: Adrian Peterson, Jake Long, Vontae Davis.

Game Goat: Brett Favre. 22/36, 325 yards, 3 INTs, 1 fumble lost.
Honorable mention: Ricky Williams, Percy Harvin.

Quote of the Game: “Number twenty-one (Vontae Davis), I felt like, was one of the best corners in this league, especially that no one knows about. Number 32 (Jason Allen) is more physical and kind of a safety-type guy. I thought a back-shoulder throw against him with Bernard (Berrian) would be a right play. But just in general, twenty-one I was less apt to challenge.” ~ Brett "Zombie" Favre

Keys to Victory: Week Two, @ Minnesota

I'm absolutely psyched for Miami at Minnesota!

One reason is that it's actually going to be on TV. We can thank Zombie Favre and his loyal minions for that one. My liver, stomach, and wallet are greatly relieved to watch tomorrow morning's game from my home and not from a nearby sports bar. (To be quite honest, I still haven't found a good watering hole in Koreatown that has NFL Sunday Ticket -- feel free to point a couple out.)

Secondly, I stand to win a few bucks. Two of my co-workers at the bar are from Minnesota, and each of them bet me a crisp Jackson that their Vikings would win. Did I bet the spread? Hell no. Real fans bet on their teams to win, right? Right?

Yeah, I could lose $40 but I'm feeling pretty confident (HUBRIS ALERT), which brings us to what excites me the most...

The Dolphins have a great chance to win. It's not a foregone conclusion by any stretch of the imagination, but I genuinely like their chances.

These are their keys to success:

1) Run the ball. Run it early, run it often, run it well.
The Vikes are ferocious up front. If Chad "Check Down" Henne is going to have any breathing room in the pocket, the Fish really need to establish their running game. They need to alternate between power and speed, in my estimation. They have enough versatility in the backfield to do that. They need to keep the Vikings defense guessing, and only then will it open up the play-action for Henne and the receivers.

Ricky and Ronnie need to combine for about 150 yards tomorrow.

2)Zombie Favre must die!!!
Favre is a pompous dick, but he's a smart pompous dick. Giving him too much time on his feet in the pocket is a recipe for, well, something un-tasty. If the Dolphin D can't get to him, Favre will meticulously pick apart the secondary. He may not have a full stable of receivers but the man knows how to find the seams.

Thus, Favre needs to get knocked on his ass a few times early. I'm talking about all sorts of blitzing plays, of course, but also about continual penetration from our front three. Look for fill-in Tony McDaniel to pick up a sack or two. Likewise, we need the LBs to step up big once again.

3) O.C. Dan Henning can't be a pussy.
I'm confident the Dolphins can build a lead against the Vikings tomorrow, but I'm less than 100% convinced they can hold it for four quarters.

If we're up by 10 at half-time, and we come back from the break playing too conservatively, Favre will come back and beat us. Yes, he's a shell of a man, but he can facilitate point scoring in a hurry. If we get a lead, punt five times in the second half, and end up losing, I'm going to mail a turd sandwich to Henning, I swear to fucking God.

Alright, enough talking out of my ass. Go 'Phins!

The Morning After: Dolphins 15, Bills 10

It's the morning after, and I'm here to give you a sober and fairly objective look at the Miami Dolphins' 2010 debut performance.

This defensive battle brought us laughs, tears, and little bit of heartburn.

(My Mom always taught me to start with the bad news, so let's begin there.)

NO ES BUENO:
1. The Dolphins lack killer instincts. This is nothing new. For as long as I can remember, Miami has never been able to put other teams away. They won't blow out inferior opponents, they will (usually) just squeak by. This may not matter much against Trent Edwards -- who would have trouble scoring with a pocket full of pesos in a Mexican whorehouse -- but this accounts for several loses each year.

Remember the Indianapolis and New Orleans games last season? Remember how the Dolphins could have and should have beat each of those soon-to-be Super Bowl contestants? The problem was the Dolphins didn't know how to put them away. Sure, both of those offenses were phenomenal but Miami should have never let them back into the game.

The Dolphins have been unable to capitalize on momentum and good breaks for as long as I can remember being a fan. For over a decade they've absolutely anti-clutch when playing with the lead. In the dreadful Wannstedt era, the Dolphins would run up the middle on 1st and 2nd Down, run a five yard hitch on 3rd and 8, and punt the ball away. That insufferable style of play cost them victories every season.

These days they mix in some screens passes so it seems less predictably safe on paper but it's really just the same old ultra-conservative approach.

It's a bit clichéd but a team has to play to win. They can't bury their heads in the sand for the entire second half and merely hope to not lose.

Which brings us to my to my next concern....

2. The coaching staff makes worrisome Game Day decisions. I have no problem with the way the team is coached from Monday to Saturday. When they take the field, the players are focused and prepared. The staff does a great job in between games.

The problems come on Sunday. Atrocious clock management, an inability to make necessary package and personnel adjustments when defending against 3rd Downs, and absolutely horrific play-calling by the O.C. Dan Henning.

Can't we add one more assistant to the sidelines whose sole job is give clock management advise in the last few minutes of each half? Every game, Tony Sparano makes a clock gaffe; it's embarrassing.

3. Now in his third year, Chad "Check Down" Henne fails to impress. To be fair, he didn't have a bad game. He was mostly consistent; he didn't commit any turnovers. He did enough to win the game on the road in Week One. That really shouldn't be ignored.

But this is Henne's third season and he still hasn't given me any reason to scream "franchise quarterback!" from the rooftops. And that sucks.

More than that, we really need to figure this all out. Maybe he's our guy, maybe he's just a guy. It's not his fault if he's the latter but we would certainly have to adjust our strategy. If the last ten years have taught this team and its fans anything it's that stopgap quarterbacks will not allow a team to elevate above mediocrity.

The Dolphins need a franchise quarterback and we desperately need to figure out if Henne is that man before the season's end. That means we need to start asking him to do more than manage the game efficiently. We need him to make plays, take chances, test his skills, and succeed (or even falter) under pressure.

Sometimes checking down to a running back in the flat is the smart play. But not usually on third and long, and not this many times each game. Every time he risks nothing we learn nothing about his mettle or his physical abilities.

THINGS I LIKED:
1. It's a Dolphin win. They won their season opener in a hostile stadium against a divisional opponent. Maybe all of those previously mentioned negatives are a one time affair?

2. The defense looks superb. Sure, the cast of Jersey Shore could probably hold Trent Edwards to 150 passing yards, but we can't take anything away from the way Mike Nolan's defense dominated yesterday's game.

Linebacker play was great. How long has it been since we could say that? Miami's biggest free agent acquisition this off-season was Karlos Dansby; with 8 tackles and a sack, he was the opposite of disappointing. Rookie stand-in Koa Misi and second year fan-favorite Cameron Wake has sacks of their own as well. Again, it's too early to know for certain, but maybe our middle four won't be a sore spot this season? A boy can hope.

The secondary looked solid as well. Chris Clemons, for one, had five tackles (and a great time smashing faces). The unit doesn't earn a gold star, though, because they dropped several interception opportunities. That just won't cut it against a more resilient team.

The defense didn't force a single turnover, in fact, but at least...

3. The offense never gave up the ball. I'll take a zero turnover game every time I can get it on the road.

CONCLUSIONS:
Really, there are more questions than answers at this point in the season.

- Brandon Marshall had a solid debut, but will Henne and the O.C. allow him to become an impact player?
- Is Jared Odrick worthy of that first round pick? His name was only mentioned once, as far as I can remember, before his injury.
- What's up with the inconsistent kicking? Dan Carpenter missed a field goal and one kickoff went out of bounds; Brandon Fields had a game saving punt near the end but his early kicks were terrible.
- Will our "new" defense force enough turnovers?
- Can Jason Allen keep up the good work?

But, a win is a win and the Dolphins are exactly where they need to be after Week One. 1-0, tied for the lead in the AFC East, undefeated.

Six Idiotically Bold Predictions for the Upcoming NFL Season

We're only hours away from another exciting NFL season. Can you feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins?

(What's that you say, there was a game last night? Nonsense, the NFL would never schedule a game on a Thursday. Don't be silly. And don't ever start Percy Harvin on your fantasy team. One catch for 12 yards. Geez.)

A new NFL season also means a new litany of idiotically bold predictions. So let's get that nonsense out of the way before we dive into discussing the Week One particulars, shall we?

IBP #1: Tom Brady stays healthy all year and the New England Patriots don't win the AFC East. It'll be a coin toss between the J-E-T-S and the Miami Dolphins, may the fattest coach prevail!

IBP #2: The Minnesota Vikings don't make it to the post-season. And with that, Zombie Favre is finally vanquished once and for all.

IBP #3: The Kansas City Chiefs win the AFC West, thanks to SS Eric Berry (a.k.a. your 2010 Rookie-of-the-Year) who will draw more than a few Ed Reed comparisons.

IBP #4: Tony Romo and the mighty Dallas Cowmen actually find a bit of playoff success before getting destroyed in the NFC title match.

IBP #5: The Houston Texans make the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. Okay, that isn't bold. What if I told you the Schaub-Johnson Express takes them all the way to the AFC Championship game before derailing? Is that bold enough for you?

IBP #6: Aaron Rodgers throws four touchdowns passes against the Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XLV. The Packers win and Rodgers is the SB MVP. Chris Johnson doesn't lose sleep, though, because he earns an MVP trophy of his own (e.g. the regular season one).

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle-K

RUKUS Magazine's September issue has gone live.

This month I get real heavy with Iron Maiden's The Final Frontier. It's a little bit old school and a little bit Progressive.

Readall the gory details:

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(We can't very well mention Iron Maiden without linking this clip from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, can we?)

Boulder's On Fire, Better Throw Her in the Water

Just a micro-update today...

The Bad News: Boulder, CO is on fire. I hope all my old friends and colleagues are safe. I especially hope the flames don't spread to the campus and, more specifically, to the University of Colorado's office of debt collections. If all records of my outstanding student loans were burned to ashes, I just don't know what I'd do.

The Good News: The Colorado Buffaloes (1-0) are on fire too! Well, if one dominating performance against lowly CSU counts. Maybe this season won't feel quite as long as last year's.

More soon!

And now some titular Brian Eno!

Everbody Relax, I'm Here

The new stickers for my license plate came in the mail today!

TLF graciously loaned me her Scion six nights a week to drive to work but the arrangement was far from ideal for each of us. For a variety of reasons (e.g. I live in the sprawl capital of the U.S.), I am so very relieved that my hoopdie is once again fit for public consumption.

In other news, The U destroyed FAMU 45-0 last night. I know this is tantamount to a scrimmage game for the ‘Canes, but Jacory Harris looks may have a beastly fall campaign. I can hardly wait to watch them exact revenge upon OSU (a.k.a. the Cheating Cheaters of Cheatville) next Saturday. The Buckeyes are my least favorite college football team that doesn’t rhyme with “mortar shame.”

I should be more pumped up for CU/CSU tomorrow morning, but I just can’t get that excited about the Buffs until they fire Dan Hawkins. Out of a cannon, preferably.

I don't even think the game will be nationally televised. ::sadface::

And the Miami Dolphins, what's up with this lackluster looking squad? Is it time to panic? Not just yet. Say it with me, "the preseason does not matter."

Week 1 at Ralph Wilson Stadium will matter, however. And this season's success is dependent entirely upon Chad Henne's growth at quarterback. He has a solid running corp, a stud left tackle, last year’s most prolific wide receiver, and absolutely no excuses. If he can’t make the leap now, I'd wager he never will.

At the moment I’m cautiously optimistic. We can revisit my mood again after next weekend.

Setting down the pigskin, I haven’t written nearly enough these past few days. I missed a deadline for an album review and couldn’t in good conscience devote much time to my personal projects before making good on my external commitment. I finally sent out the review this morning, though, and I expect to spend most of tomorrow working tinkering with the current script. After I get my hairs cut.

While we’re on the subject of things long overdue, I just put a placeholder up at travisreilly.com. I haven’t decided whether or not to link that site to this one but stay tuned.

So kiddies, when some wild-eyed eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that:

"Fuck ‘em up, fuck ‘em up, go CU!”