I H-A-T-E the J-E-T-S

Stubbing my toe sucks. It really fucking hurts. I have big feet and I’m clumsy, so I’m prone to a weekly toe stub and I hate it.

Not as much as I hate “Meter Maids,” though. I hope any asshole who signs up for that job gets diagnosed with multiple malignant tumors on Christmas Eve. Every time I get an unjust parking ticket my blood pressure raises by about 30 points and then I get sad because I know I’m too lazy and disorganized to ever protest them in court. You won this time, parking enforcement officer. And you’ll win next time too.

But I’d rather get a parking ticket every day in February than have to ever watch the New England Patriots win another Super Bowl. They’ve dominated the AFC East for a decade now and I can’t fracking stand it. On Saturdays, before I go to bed, I pray that Tom Brady will tear his Achilles on tomorrow’s opening drive. Wes Welker is a traitorous bastard, and I root for him to develop an addiction to pain killers. I refuse to call their obnoxious, hoodie-wearing curmudgeon of a coach anything other than Bill Bellicheat. When Teddy Bruschi almost died a few years ago, I naturally assumed that the team had bartered with Satan, their souls for a few rings, and I thought finally the bill had come in the mail.

Yeah, I hate the Patriots.

But I don’t root for them to lose every football game. Twice each year I disregard every ounce of common sense in my noggin and root for the Patriots to win. To humiliate, even.

You see, while I utterly loathe the Patriots and their smug, bandwagoning fans, the vitriol I reserve for them pales in comparison to that reserved for the New York Jets.

J-E-T-S, Jets. The most hated noun in my entire vocabulary.

The worst team in any sport, by far. The most obnoxiously obtuse fans ever conceived in dirty test tubes.

I don’t just root for them to lose every weekend, I root for ground beneath the stadium to crack and for the Earth to swallow them whole.

But not before that fat slob Rex Ryan chokes on one of his semen filled Twinkies on the sidelines. Not before the Department of Homeland Security sends Mark Sanchez back to South America for throwing six interceptions in a half. And certainly not before the 110th Airborne carpet bombs the ever-loving shit of of “Revis Island.”

Only after all that am I truly comfortable with their team bus to drive off a cliff and crash and burn in the depths of that special Hell for child rapists and people who listen to loud music on the bus.

You’ve never hated anything in your life as much as I hate the New York Jets.

If God made an appearance in my bedroom and said, “Hey brah, you have two options for next season. The Dolphins can go 14-2 next season and get swept by the Jets, or they can go 2-14 next season with their only wins coming against the Jets,” well, I’d pick door number two every time. Seriously.

Sweeping them last year felt unbelievably good. Like getting fellated by a unicorn on a bed made of cotton candy. I barely cared that, through the luckiest series of scheduling breaks ever, they went to the AFC Championship game and the Dolphins didn’t even make the playoffs. I’m not kidding. Beating the Jets in 2008 – the final game of the season, to advance to the playoffs, and to potentially end Zombie Favre’s career – was absolutely epic. Glorious, in fact.

So I’m sorry, you’re not going to get too many well considered “keys to victory” this week. I am too consumed by the fires of my hatred.

I can tell you this, though. I’ll be watching that game Sunday night. And hopefully some sniveling, excuse making, sad sack Jets fans will be around too. I love watching them backtrack after a game; it’ll be interesting to see what kind of excuses they come up with.

Let me leave you with these conclusions for tomorrow evening:

1. Jake Long dominates Jason Taylor the entire game, causing him to reconsider a career in dancing.
2. Chad Henne throws for two first-half touchdowns on Antonio Cromartie and the rest of their overrated secondary.
3. Ronnie Browns run the ball straight up the Jets’ asses, right through the hole that Kris Jenkins used to fill.
4. Rex Ryan eats an entire pepperoni pizza at halftime.
5. Miami continues to dominate in the second half.
6. The announcers reference that fucking Monday Night Football game with the 4th quarter comeback.
7. Vontae Davis grabs two second half interceptions.
8. Miami wins, 32 - 9.
9. The Jets fans blame the injuries and absences and still try and make a case for being the better team.
10. I sleep like a fucking baby.

The Morning After: Dolphins 14, Vikings 10

Holy crap was that a great game -- hard fought from start to finish.

Miami's first play from scrimmage was nice. A 46 yard toss down-field from Chad Henne to Brandon Marshall. A few nice runs later, and the Dolphins faced 1st-and-Goal. Minnesota's D held strong for a few plays but, on 3rd Down, Henne finally punched one right into the hands of Brian Hartline.

That first drive looked so good, I never would have suspected Miami's offense would be shut out for the rest of the game.

So, the Dolphins took an early lead (as I suspected they might) and spent rest of the game daring Brett Favre to do his worst. He literally did.

The Vikings sustained several lengthy drives but Miami's defense kicked into overdrive each time they were pinned back in their own Red Zone.

The Dolphin defense was outstanding really. They forced four turnovers and allowed Minnesota to score only once. And even that touchdown was ¡Qué mala suerte! as it only happened because Ricky Williams fumbled on his own goal-line.

It was a classic "bend but don't break" defensive effort.

In the second quarter, Zombie Favre threw a nice pass to Percy Harvin at the one yard-line. It should have been a completion and probably should have tied the game at seven. But Harvin bobbled it, thank the Gods, and Vontae Davis secured the Dolphin defense's first interception of the season. (There would be more.)

V.D. made a great play but, three feet from their own goal-line, Miami's offense wasn't in the clear. In hostile territory and against a tenacious Viking front line, Ronnie Brown took the hand-off in his own end zone and exploded through a gap in the line of scrimmage. What might have been a safety was instead a 51 yard gain thanks to Brown's quickness and the offensive line's power.

Franchise LT Jake Long manhandled Jared Allen the entire game; the rest of the big fellas on Miami's o-line gave one heck of an effort too.

They really deserve props for beating down one of the best defensive fronts in front of their own crowd. I don't even remember a false start penalty called against them which is surprising considering the hostility of the Metrodome. Henne had plenty of time in the pocket (though he was sacked twice) and the line opened up some big holes for Dolphin rushers early.

It was a bi-polar day for Miami's rushing attack, dominant early on but pathetic in the second half. The first fumble, by Williams, was easily converted into a touchdown by Adrian Peterson. Brown fumbled with only a few minutes left to play and it nearly cost the Dolphins the game. (Lousaka Polite was unstoppable, of course, but what's new?)

When Minnesota recovered that second fumble, I really thought the game was over. As a Dolphin fan, I'm so used to melt downs in the 4th Quarter (see the Indianapolis and New Orleans games in 2010 and the Houston and first NYJ game in 2009), It seemed a foregone conclusion that our Defense would buckle after that momentum killing turnover.

Boy was it good to be wrong! I was instead treated to an absolutely delightful goal-line stand. It was 1st-and-Goal from the four yard-line. The Vikings had four chances to score the game winning touchdown from just a few yards out but couldn't seem to convert. Everyone knew Peterson was going to run it in on 4th-and-Goal but the world found out what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable Karlos Dansby, who crushed Peterson at the point of impact and forced a turnover on downs ("number twenty-one" assisted on the tackle). Yeah, Dansby looks to be worth every dollar.

Miami's entire defense looks stellar so far this season. I don't know whether to credit the new schemes of Mike Nolan or the new personnel of Jeff Ireland but this group of guys is playing a different (and better) style of ball than they have in past years. Maybe Coach Sparano is a better, skinnier motivator these days. The defense is physical as Hell -- the front line beat the crap out of the Favre, Peterson, and the Vikings big men -- but they seem quicker too.

The secondary dropped some sure-fire interceptions against Buffalo in Week One but they must have bought some new gloves. Second-year CB Davis is playing at a Pro Bowl level and Jason Allen has magically morphed into an ass-kicking ball-hawk. (Yes, that Jason Allen.)

Sean Smith even looked good in his limited appearances yesterday. That got me thinking (uh-oh), what if Smith didn't regress during training camp? What if Allen has just stepped up his game that much under Mike Nolan's tutelage? It's almost impossible to fathom after what we've seen from him in the past but Allen's performance yesterday cannot be denied. He picked off Hall of Famer Brett Favre three time (one was called back by an unrelated penalty) and was, by a wide margin, the game's most valuable player. After all these years of struggling, it's great to see Allen finding his groove.

The whole defense is refreshing, really. It's such a nice change of pace to count the linebacking corps as an asset for instead of a detriment. Cameron Wake continues his inprobable, but now inevitable, rise to stardom; he was fierce all afternoon, most notably when he stripped Favre in the end zone (Koa Misi recovered for the Dolphins first defensive TD in awhile).

Vikings' stud RB Peterson rushed for 145 yards and made some spectacular plays but he's a top two back in the league and won't ever be shut down entirely. He got his stats but the Dolphin defense stopped him in the crucial situations.

Special teams was solid; Brandon Fields was back to his old form.

I'm less enthusiastic about how Miami's offense performed, but they have faced some pretty stiff competition this season (and it doesn't look to get easier against the Jets this Sunday night).

Certainly the fumbles have to stop. It's a miracle the Vikings didn't capitalize on both of them, but you can bet the next team will.

The play-calling was, again, solid in the first half and lackluster in the second. I know everyone was terrified to run the ball and fumble again late in that fourth quarter, but it was difficult to watch the Dolphins try to unsuccessfully run out the clock out on those last few drives. Zombie Favre looked like shit, thankfully, so we could dodge a few more of those bullets than usual.

Henne was efficient (9/14, 114 yards, TD) and that was enough. It wasn't his fault the coaches never felt the need to take off his leash.

The Dolphins are undefeated and sit alone atop the AFC East but we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. They have a murderer's row of a schedule; their next three opponents (Jets, Patriots, @Packers) all made the playoffs in 2009.

Game Ball: Jason Allen. 7 tackles, 4 assists, and two INTs.
Honorable mention: Adrian Peterson, Jake Long, Vontae Davis.

Game Goat: Brett Favre. 22/36, 325 yards, 3 INTs, 1 fumble lost.
Honorable mention: Ricky Williams, Percy Harvin.

Quote of the Game: “Number twenty-one (Vontae Davis), I felt like, was one of the best corners in this league, especially that no one knows about. Number 32 (Jason Allen) is more physical and kind of a safety-type guy. I thought a back-shoulder throw against him with Bernard (Berrian) would be a right play. But just in general, twenty-one I was less apt to challenge.” ~ Brett "Zombie" Favre

Five lessons we've learned about the 2009 Dolphins after two preseason games

The Miami Dolphins are 2-0 in the preseason for the first time since—um, who gives a shit? They dismantled the Jags a week ago and the dominated the Panthers on Saturday, but it’s perhaps a bit too early to pre-order those Super Bowl tickets.

That isn’t to say we aren’t gaining valuable insight in regards to the talent and character of this team.

So what exactly have we learned?

1) Winning is important to the franchise, regardless of the stakes.

From the Palm Beach Post Dolphins blog:

“It’s important to win,” [Coach] Sparano said at his daily press briefing. “Every time they keep score and every time we get a chance to compete out there, we want to win.”

Sparano speaks of creating and maintain a “culture” of winning. While that may be one of this generation’s most terribly useless sports clichés, the Dolphins are still only 17 games removed from their franchise worst 1-15 season. After winning 10 additional games (and the AFC East) last year, it’s hard to accuse the sophomore coach of preaching banalities.

While the team clearly won’t give away too much in the way of offensive packages or play their first string units too long with the ever-looming risk of injury, it’s nevertheless refreshing to see these Dolphins’ players and coaches so interested in maintaining a winning attitude.

2) Players on the bubble can’t be saved by fan support.

Against the Jaguars, backup receiver Chris Williams returned the ball almost every time on special teams. Not all of his plays were good, but he was the most exciting player on the field for much of the game. On kickoffs returns, he consistently exploded through the first wave of would-be tacklers and generally excelled. Williams’ punt returning was more uneven, but he still made people miss.

Dolphin fans took an immediate liking to this guy. Many thought he’d eventually break one for a touchdown. Alas, he won’t be doing it in aqua and coral.

Williams, along with four other players, was cut early Monday as the Dolphins brought their roster down to 79.

Likewise, fans were excited to see last year’s free agent bust, Ernest Wilford, score a touchdown from the Tight End spot against the Jaguars. This didn’t save him. He had no receptions in game two and was also cut on Monday.

3) Eric Green is a bitch.

Veteran cornerback Eric Green was signed earlier this off-season to a two year contract. He was far from outstanding last season with the Cardinals and, frankly, the acquisition surprised fans and media alike. At the time, however, the Powers That Be couldn’t have foreseen drafting two studly cornerbacks, Sean Smith (outstanding so far) and Vontae Davis. (According to some, Davis has underperformed thus far. Frankly, his penalties in the opener were overblown and I'm in the camp that believes he's still poised to have an outstanding rookie season.)

Green played and practiced worse than both rookies, losing his starting role to Smith, the 61st pick in the Draft, only a few days into camp. Few were surprised when his craptastic outing against Jacksonville sealed his fate.

General Manager Jeff Ireland and Coach Sparano have no trouble correcting their own mistakes. They brought Green in for a rainy-day situation and, thankfully, the sun shines brighter than ever. The franchise did right by Green in cutting him early and allowing him to quickly find another team (and the 49ers did not hesitate in signing him).

And how does Green thank the organization for his early release (not to mention his $3 million in guaranteed money)?

“When they told me [about the release] I was almost relieved. Here, they are more laid back, which is what it was like in Arizona. In Miami they almost wouldn't allow you to chew gum in meetings."

You’re a talentless ingrate, Green. Here’s hoping the only gum they sell in San Francisco is that Mint Mojito crap.

4) The Dolphins are stacked at RB.

Even after his first Pro Bowl berth, the questions about Ronnie Brown remain. Will he remain healthy? Is he an elite running back or an above average one? What kind of contract does he deserve? I have no clue. Clearly, he’s at least above average as a starter and perhaps, at best, is a top seven guy in the league.

That said, I think the Dolphins have the best depth at running back in the league. Ricky Williams is an ideal second-string RB, and he looks to be running with much greater confidence than he did last year. Likewise, Patrick Cobbs and Lex Hilliard are both beasts (Hilliard simply couldn’t be brought down and Cobbs was outstanding catching those swing passes). I wish the Dolphins could work in some package with all four of them. Between those four, Ted Ginn Jr.’s theoretical emergence, and whatever Pat White brings to the table, we could see some real fireworks this season.

Sun Sentinel

Ronnie Brown is careful not to let Ricky Williams sneak up behind him.

5) Swine flu is still over-hyped and still annoying.

Jason Allen and Sean Smith do not have swine flu, so let's drop it.

Weekly SoFla Sports Update (08/14/09)

I have neither the worth ethic nor the inclination for daily sports related posts, especially considering the majority of my teams are presently in their off-seasons.

Nevertheless, as the Marlins surge into both the Division and Wild Card races and as the Dolphins prepare for their first preseason game, there is much to be said. Even the Heat, who have been quiet for months, are finally making moves (well, one move at least).

The natural compromise is a weekly sports roundup.

Florida Marlins
Thanks to their "incredible" offensive consistency (10 consecutive games with 10 or more hits), the Marlins find themselves only three games behind the Colorado Rockies in the National League Wild Card race.

As fate would have it, those red-hot Rockies begin a three game series at Land Shark Stadium tonight. Probable starters are Jason Hammel (7-6) and Josh Johnson (11-2). Johnson hasn’t lost in over a month.

Yeah, I’d say these next few games are important.

Other Marlins news:
Anibel Sanchez, on the DL since June 4th, looked good in his first AA rehab start.
And we have an update on the construction of Marlins Stadium: One day down, 449 more to go.

Marlins links:
FishStripes
Marlins @ Miami Herald
Marlins @ Sun-Sentinel


Miami Dolphins
Two weeks of training camp are in the books and the Dolphins are 72 hours from their preseason opener against the Jaguars.

What have we learned thus far?

1) Omar Kelly’s up-to-date depth chart shows us nothing too outlandish.

You’ll notice the Dolphins’ only rookie starter, as of now, is second rounder Sean Smith (61st overall). This is no slight against first round pick Vontae Davis (25th overall), who still sits behind Will Allen at LCB on the charts. Allen is perhaps the most talented veteran member of the Dolphins’ secondary; he had the most interceptions and the most passes deflected last season behind the recently departed Andre’ Goodman. Smith is assigned to a very weak right-side, with an unproven (at least as a Dolphin) Eric Green and an uneven (at best) Jason Allen. All that considered, I wouldn’t be surprised if Davis is starting ahead of Allen (and opposite of Smith) by week four of the regular season.

Mike Stocker, Sun-Sentinel / May 1, 2009

Head Coach Tony Sparano sifts through his pockets for matches, hoping to light rookie CB Sean Smith's farts.

In only a few months (and mostly by way of the draft), their secondary unit has become exponentially more talented and so much faster. On paper, it looks great. And so far in training camp, they have outshined the quarterbacks and wide-receiver corps. Monday, however, is their first real test. It’ll be interesting to see how the three rooks (Davis, Smith, and Chris Clemons) fare against an unfamiliar offense.

2) Jason Taylor isn’t just back, he’s back. So much so that Ethan J. Skolnick is predicting a 10 to 12 sacks from him this season. How wonderful that would be, after trading him for a second round pick and resigning him for free a year later.

3) Pat White didn’t throw well in the first week of camp, but that’s no reason to worry. I’d be truly surprised if he takes five snaps from a conventional formation all season but he can still be an effective weapon. It might be bad form using a second round pick on a third string quarterback, but he isn’t just any third stringer. When the Dolphins go to the Wildcat (or the WildPat, as some now like to call it), White will make plays and he will make defensive coordinators plan for his presence.

And he looked better this week. "Pat's been getting better and better," says Tony Sparano. Is he ever going to be the starter? Probably not, but Chad Pennington won’t play forever and Chad Henne, with as much potential as he’s shown, is as unproven as anyone.

4) The Dolphins look to be improving.

Yeah, it is only training camp, even the Lions fans are chipper—but I think the Dolphins are legitimately better than they were last year. Certainly, with a healthy Tom Brady and with the additions of Terrell Owens and Matt Sanchez, the AFC East becomes only more competitive, but I think the Dolphins have a very good shot and reclaiming the division title.

I’ll wait a few weeks to make any regular season predictions, but if you’re a Dolphins fan, you have to be enthusiastically optimistic right now.

Dolphins links:
Ethan J. Skolnick @ Sun-Sentinel
Armando Salguero @ Miami Herald
The Phinsider

Miami Heat
Dwyane Wade has yet to resign, and no one expects him to any time soon, but that’s no cause for panic. It would be stupid for him to sign this quickly, but I’d bet a large chunk of change that he continues to play for the Miami Heat through the 2010-2011 season.

This Heat off-season has been historically slow, but that’s a deliberate movie by Pat Riley in hopes of landing an additional marquee free agent next summer.

Today, however, there were finally signs of life. Quentin Richardson, who has been dealt to everyone but the Washington Generals this summer, was traded from the Minnesota Timberwolves to the Heat in exchange for Mark Blount’s expiring corpse contract.

Skolnick reports the Heat are the only team so far this summer to introduce Q-Rich to the media, so there’s a pretty good chance he’s here for awhile.

I like this move. It gives the Heat a semi-legitimate scoring threat at the perimeter when Wade is on the bench and Michael Beasley is posting-up. Even if it doesn’t work out, the Heat lost only their fourth string center and their cap space is still entirely intact for next year.

Also, Beasley is cool; follow him on Twitter.