Today we’re going to talk about porn and sexuality. This will resonate more with heterosexual males but there’s a lesson here for everyone. I have no intentions of offending my sizable gay following—a bear needs cubs, after all—but I don’t understand you people so you’re going to have to do your own math.*
Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. And, like any other successful enterprise not founded by Oprah, it is made for heterosexual males by heterosexual males.
While depraved internet coinsurers can find all types of salacious, subversive, and deviant content with a few clicks of the mouse, the vast majority of porno patrons are paying to watch Jack fuck Jill in the missionary position. Porn may be served in over 9,000 flavors but most men are happy with just a scoop of vanilla.
What types of porn do you watch most often? Answer honestly. I won’t pick on your lackluster imagination. If you’re like 79%** of self-professed heterosexual males, then you are watching some variation of “boy penetrates girl (in her vagina).
Here’s the M. Night Shyamalan style twist: Observing heterosexual intercourse is not necessarily a heterosexual action. I’d argue it’s not even that close. Your only interactions are with the DVD player and the hand lotion. If I watch Paul Bunyan cut down trees all afternoon, I’m not going to call my Mom and tell her I spent the day lumberjacking.
I can hear your feeble objections already, “but, but, I’m… identifying with the male in the video!” Sure. Prove it, homo. Maybe you’re relating more to the washed up starlet tickling his pickle and you don’t even know it. In either case, you’re merely a voyeur and not a participant.
Again, watching a heterosexual act does not necessarily equate to engaging in one. Consider that masturbation while fantasizing about women is heterosexual but if another man were to watch a video of you masturbating that would be, in fact, pretty damned gay.
Look, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not calling you gay; I’m just saying that you could be straighter.
Given enough time and data, one could chart all forms of sexual expression from “absolute queer” to “ultra hetero.” And while fucking a woman is straight, masturbating to the video image of a man fucking a woman is closer to the middle of the spectrum (see graph s01). A precise charting requires complex mathematics, but a fairly simple algebraic equation*** can give us a pretty good estimation of any sexual encounter. We'll refer to resultant as the Hetero Quotient. Where d equals the number of dudes, c equals the number of chicks, and p is the total number of people involved…
Let’s apply that to some real world situations:
1) If Mikey roofies Sally at a bar, takes her home to his Grandma’s bathroom, violates each of her precious orifices, and chokes the life out of her before cutting her into tiny pieces, what is his Hetero Quotient?
For simplicity’s sake, let’s assume that Grandma was out playing bingo so we will assume that Sally is the only chick and Mikey is the only dude (giving us two total participants).
((1/1)+ 1)/2 = 2/2 = 1, or 100 percent.
One-hundred percent straight; way to go Mikey!
A second example:
2) Bob masturbates to Barely Breathing 3, a fine geriatric themed production starring Groucho Dix and Sugar Succulence. How straight is Bob?
There are two dudes, Groucho and Bob, and Sugar is the only chick. There are a total of three participants.
((1/2)+1)/3 = 1.5/3 = 0.5, or 50 percent.
Uh oh, Bob’s actions are only 50% straight.
Let’s try a longer problem (and pay close attention to the details):
3) Shane goes to Tijuana and pays five pesos to watch Victor Victoria bang Maria De Los Burros in a dirty old barn. Victor Victoria is a transvestite. He dresses like a woman, and he has pretty perky boobies too, but he packs heat down south. Shane is turned on but he’s also confused. Exactly how gay is this situation?
The tricky part in this example is whether to count Victor Victoria as a dude or as a chick? Well he/she/it is somewhere in between, I suppose. Not altogether womanly but not exactly a typical man. You can decide on your own value here, but for the sake of simple we’ll pretend Victor is half of each gender. That means we have 1.5 chicks and 1.5 dudes in Shane’s scenario. Let’s figure out his Hetero Quotient.
((1/1.5)+1.5/3 = 2.1667/3 = 0.7222, or 72 percent.
Shane’s actions are actually straighter than Bob’s.
Now we’re approaching the point of the lesson. Pornography comes in many shapes and sizes and one shouldn’t be afraid to experiment because the stuff you’re already looking at is probably gayer than you think.
The numbers don’t lie, folks; keep them in mind the next time you’re scouring the internet to make a deposit into the spank bank. Watching a she-male bone a(nother?) chick can be considerably less queer than that standard male/female fare already beginning to bore you. If you call yourself a straight man maybe it’s time to start acting like one.
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Notes:
*I offer no apologies or disclaimers to the fairer sex—and what would be the point? They won’t read this unless it’s reprinted in US Weekly.
**All statistics are based on a private sampling of the different personalities trapped in my head.
***The “simple equation” is surprisingly accurate but not always sufficient. Anything involving plants, for example, would yield confusing returns.
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